Home > Humor, Random/Rants > Condoning Contador: Lance, Button-Fly’s, and the Unwritten Rules of Leftover Etiquette.

Condoning Contador: Lance, Button-Fly’s, and the Unwritten Rules of Leftover Etiquette.

I’ve recently encountered a gray area of etiquette, and I am seeking out the opinion of the people to help me resolve the issue in a comfortable manner.  So here goes.  When a person is invited over to another person’s house for dinner, drinks, or whatever, and the guest brings a dish (salad, main dish, dessert), or drinks, what is the protocol for the leftovers?  Does a person commit to donating everything they bring to a home once they step through the door, or does the bringer have the right to extract the remains of what they’ve brought to the home? Consider the following scenarios, and follow them up with a Stay or a Go, or a correctly corresponding reply in the comment section, if you feel so inclined:

1)      Guest brings a dish and it is half eaten.

2)      Guest brings a dish and it’s not eaten at all.

3)      Guest brings bottled drinks; is there a percentage or ratio rule of what is consumed to what can be taken back?  Can anything be taken back?  If out of 12, 11 are drunk, can the bringer take the one?  What if 6 are drank? What if only 1?  Do you donate the other 11? What about higher volumes?

4)      Guest brings a dessert, and also a full bucket of ice cream (ice cream is an accompaniment to the dessert).  Approximately 5 scoops are used.  Is the remainder of the bucket a gift?

5)      Guest brings a very expensive bottle of wine, which goes unopened. 

I await the popular opinion, and may adopt it as doctrine from here on in.  You have the power. 

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Is it wrong that I get an odd joy out of flicking bugs off of screen doors from the inside out (bug on one side of screen, me on the other, flicking it on its underbelly)?  I don’t step on bugs, but I do squash the odd spider or mosquito.  I like to think the flick is fairly harmless.  Most bugs can fly, and they always seem to land quite softly.  Ever seen an ant fall off a table and keep on going?  Can you imagine shrinking yourself to that size, and falling from that height?  I can’t say I’d bet on survival.

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There are very few more awkward moments in a man’s life than when he enters the men’s washroom, lines up to the urinal, goes for the unzip, and realizes he’s wearing a button fly.  Horrendous.  This unexpected scenario now requires a full belt unbuckling, and subsequent fly unbuttoning; meanwhile hoping that the washroom remains empty, and that no other dudes come in and see you struggling like a 1st  grader who needs the teacher to undo his top button so he can go, and then do it up again after he’s walked through the school back to his class with his pants undone.  Embarrassing seems to work as a descriptive term here. 

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Does anyone actually condone anything?  Everyone says that they don’t condone this or that (for example, “I don’t condone A-Roid’s drug use,” or “I don’t condone men wearing pink at any time”), but I’ve never actually heard a person say that they condone anything.  Why do we only use the word in a negative context? 

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So Lance Armstrong does not win the Tour de France for probably the first time ever since he’s entered it, and now he’s being berated by his “teammate” Alberto Contador, who says regarding Mr. Livestrong,

My relationship with Lance Armstrong is zero… I have never admired him and never will.” 

Why all the animosity towards the man who beat brain, lung, and testicular cancer all at the same time, dated Sheryl Crow, and won the tour seven times?  Was the Spaniard tired of hiding in the shadow of the on again/off again retiree?  How many times does a guy have to win the Tour de France consecutively before he lets it go, anyways?  I know he’s been controversial as far as speculated drug use, and in general infuriating the French by being American and winning their event so many times, but could there be something actually worth not liking Lance for?  He’s such a hero on this side, without proper understanding of the other side’s arguments, I can’t say I condone these comments from the Contadorian one.  Ahh, crap, see?

  1. karma
    July 30, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    easily, the most entertaining blog to date…
    ba ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa….loved it!

    and btw… once you bring something into someone elses home, all that is approved to take home is the empty dish…

  2. Rob Cunning
    July 31, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Consider the dish as admission by donation, The homeowner is gracious enough to lend his hospitality for entertainment for the night, so its a transaction of goods and services, all sales final. It would be at the homeowner’s discretion to allow you to take your platter back. Taking your food back would be like buying a ticket for a concert and then leaving half way and asking for half your money back, kinda douchey. I mean you could take the unfinished food, as technically you’re a guest and are entitled to whatever is brought, but at that rate, why not take the best platter out?

  3. jtbourne
    August 1, 2009 at 10:17 am

    The bug flick is uncharted territory for joy, but I’m with you. The screen makes you feel humane, but still strong. Its a nice combination.

    Oh, and you know what? I’ve started to condone stuff.

    PS, you leave everything, everytime, unless none of the parties involved have any real income (ie. 16 year olds can take the remainder of the vodka they brought and shouldn’t be drinking anyways). Once anyone has any money, the door is the threshold. One step in, and its over.

  4. August 1, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Love it, Dave! I condone flicking bugs and Lance Armstrong (unless he took steroids, which I don’t condone). And I do condone button flys, especially when they get a bit worn in and you can just grab and pull them open. Hey, when you gotta go, there’s nothin’ faster! But I sometimes miss doing up the second from the bottom. I don’t condone that!

    Oh, and anything food/drinks you bring as a guest should stay with the host. If they force you to take it home, you know one of two things: either it wasn’t very good (in which case you blame your spouse); or, they think you’re poor (in which case you blame your spouse).

  5. davecunning
    August 1, 2009 at 10:52 am

    well, I think we have a fair consensus and ruling on the imported food: what comes in, stays in, dishes not included (unless they’re paper). Glad we resolved that, I can attend dinner functions in peace now.

    I’m happy to have found fellow bug flickers. I condone it as the safest “bug-off” technique. I also condone condoning, so condone away!

  6. ryley
    August 5, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    whoever volunteers to take the food gets it
    its a dog eat dog world out there

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