Home > Greatest Hits, Humor, Sports > A Memo To Soccer People (if you play, watch, or like sports, please read).

A Memo To Soccer People (if you play, watch, or like sports, please read).

September 18, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

 

who, would you say, is more entitled to a celebration, if they score?

who, would you say, is more entitled to a celebration, if they score?

Dear Soccer People,

 

So you’ve got the most popular sport globally, soccer (football for the purists).  Though I doubt the research sometimes, I’ve heard the stat so many times I guess there’s got to be some truth to it.  You sell-out stadiums every night, and sometimes you riot because you’re into it so deep.  You got passion, I dig that. 

Your game doesn’t differ conceptually that much from similiar sports (get the ______ in the other team’s ______ ), but that doesn’t mean it isn’t tough.  Playing some pick-up soccer myself has re-inforced this to me.  If you haven’t noticed by now, just because the pro’s on TV in ANY sport make it look easy, doesn’t mean you can do it that well in your half-time beer-and-smoke-break league.  Just like any sport, it takes a lot of skill and effort to be any good at soccer.  Minus the diving.  

BUT still, with all that being said, please soccer players… if you listen to only one thing I say in this whole blog, let it be this:

  Your sport contains THE BIGGEST NET IN SPORTS. 

I realize that goals in soccer come on an average of 2 or 3 a month, but just because you finally punted that borderline beach-ball size of inflated rubber into netting which could corral a beluga whale, past the guy with no over-sized padding, does NOT mean your backflip is warranted.  Hey, scoring is cool, heck it’s one of the best feelings there is to feel.  But honestly, the fewer airplane spins and power knee-slides I see, the better.  I don’t, for one

I'm a professional athlete.  They pay me money to act like this.

I'm a professional athlete. They pay me money to act like this.

second, approve of the baby thumb-sucking celebration i’ve seen on a few occasions.  Also why do soccer players feel the need to rip off their jerseys when they score a big goal?  That jersey is a sense of pride in most sports.  The difference between hockey players and soccer players is that while soccer players don’t want their jerseys on and rip them off, hockey players grab their crest and shake it like a polaroid they’re so happy to have it on their chest.  Some hockey teams will actually fine their players for letting their jerseys touch the floor in the dressing room they’re so serious about respecting the uniform.

Scoring in hockey is unbelievably tough at the top levels.  The net is small, and most goaltenders are large humans to begin with, AND THEN they put on their pads, filling in and spilling over any “holes” that may have previously been present; likening your scoring chances to moustaches ever being actually, really, cool again.  You gotta be really good to pull either situation off.  So hockey goals deserve a big celly (celebration), but even the rockpiles (rookies) know not to go too far.  Fist pump: yes.  Stick ride: No. Ice duster with a follow-up pumper-nickle: time and a place.  Canoe paddle: Don’t bother suiting up next game.

Football players gotta grind those TD’s out.  There’s some big, bad mamma-jamma’s out there that really don’t want you in their end.  There’s some huge meathead football players, but even the best teams have a tough time getting it in field goal range against a defensive line named after large kitchen appliances.  So Terrell, I say flap your wings.  Throw the grenades and blow your team up.  Dirty bird, get derrrty.  You’ve earned it.

Basketball is well aware that even though they have the smallest net in team sports, it’s just not that big of a challenge when the telephone-pole sized players can literally start placing the ball in the net for over 100 points a game.  Even the dunkers are aware of the frequency of conversion.  Rarely do you see a basket celebration, and with good reason.

So soccer players, in conclusion, I enjoy your game, but never forget NO ONE IN SPORTS HAS A BIGGER NET THAN YOU. 

 The only exception I will allow to this rule is the header goal, or that bicycle kick.  These might be the toughest goals in sports to score, and to that I say climb the goal post and pick the coconuts for all I care, you deserve it.     Hopefully my British friends haven’t disowned me.  Remember, I’m not attacking soccer as a whole, just the over-sensationalized celebrations to goal size ratio, that’s all.  Just keep it all in perspective.  This is all I ask.

 

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  1. jtbourne
    September 18, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Haha, great blog. It’s a really, really big net. That’s my two cents.

    • davecunning
      September 18, 2009 at 3:52 pm

      well then between us, we can almost buy a 5 cent candy. Unless you’re contributing American pennies, in which case, we can afford one, as long as we purchase it in Canada.

  2. September 18, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    You’re just griping because you can’t score. When I skate in on a goalie, the net looks HUGE to me ;)

  3. davecunning
    September 18, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    You must have some sort of Gretzky-esque super vision then. You’d probably dominate at soccer with it. And in my defence, I have scored a few times in my day…

  4. September 20, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    Great blog Dave, as always. Just a word in defense of strikers in terms of your goal-size apartment – the size of the puck/ball must be taken into consideration as well and since the ball is so big in soccer compared to the hockey puck and the ‘keeper is so much more flexible without being covered in padding and a huge helmet, you could say that it easier to save a shot in football and, hence, more difficult to score.

    • davecunning
      September 21, 2009 at 5:24 pm

      interesting take Andy. You make a good point; however a hockey goalie still only has to take less than one stride (a glide, even) to get from post to post, and covers 90% of the goal with his pads. Goaltenders at the NHL level are extremely nimble as well, despite the bulk.
      A soccer goalie would probably need close to 10 full strides to get from post to post, likely couldn’t touch the crossbar if he were standing still with his arms straight up (I’m open to correction on this), and definitely has more area to cover. He may be able to move faster and get in the way of a larger object, but I think the ratio is still in favor of the hockey goalie.

  5. ryley
    September 22, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Take it from a former hockey goalie. Half the time a save is made the goalie doesn’t even have to move because of his positioning. I’d like to hear a soccer goalie say the same thing. And this isn’t a diss on soccer goalies. In fact its the exact opposit. I just don’t see you guys being able to stand there a just let a shot hit you because ur in good position.

  6. October 1, 2009 at 1:53 am

    I don’t know If I said it already but …This blog rocks! I gotta say, that I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks, :)

    A definite great read..Jim Bean

    • davecunning
      October 3, 2009 at 12:38 am

      thank you very much Jim, I appreciate that! I’m glad you found me, and hope that you continue to read and enjoy.

  7. October 8, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    I don’t know If I said it already but …This blog rocks! I gotta say, that I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks, :)

    A definite great read….

    • October 15, 2009 at 12:49 pm

      hmm… 2 identical comments. The sincerity is all of a sudden questionable. Thanks if you mean it!

  1. June 23, 2010 at 12:36 am

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