As per evolutionary theory, Nudists should either become extremely hairy to keep warm and technically devolve back into monkeys, shouldn’t they? The evolutionary theory, of course, being that creatures adapt to their surroundings to survive? Seems like instead of putting clothes on to keep warm (which they are refusing to do), their bodies/brains should automatically switch on the “grow more hair to keep warm” button. Maybe Sasquatch sightings are really devolved nudists? If they don’t devolve, maybe nudists will go extinct all together.
Speaking of questionable brain functions, what’s the deal with the mass worm suicides when it rains? Who’s the idiot worm spearheading the campaign call for every worm everywhere to surface when it starts raining, and then shrivel up and die all over my driveway? These worms must be the cult leaders of the worm world. Also, who knew there were that many worms?
Why do people insist on freezing their rotten bananas? As good as your intentions may be, and as good as banana bread is, you know you’re never going to make it. So just throw them away when they go bad.
Why do people want you to smell bad things? Why is it that whenever something smells bad, there’s always someone who says, “aww man, this smells awful! Hey, come over here and smell this!” It smells BAD, moron, what makes your brain think this is a characteristic I look for in things I wish to smell?
How useless is the “let me know if you don’t get this” email message? How would you know you didn’t get it? Should I reply to a non-existent email to confirm my not having received the message?
Yahoo! Answers might be the most useless page on the internet. Yahoo Wrong/Irrelevant/Speculative-at-best Answers would be a more accurate name for that website.
anti-biotics, pro-biotics….. cripes, do I want biotics in my body or not??? Is there a neutral biotic?
HD TV technology has made me realize how much makeup sportscasters wear on-air during broadcasts. Seems a little uncalled for, like when they make elementary school boys wear red lipstick and makeup to perform in school musicals.
Quite the audacity by Shell, thinking they can change the index/middle finger v-shape peace sign to stand for their V-Power gas instead. Look Shell, you’re worth a lot of money, but YOU CAN’T REPLACE PEACE WITH THE MOST EXPENSIVE GRADE OF YOUR GASOLINE.
There should be a rule that u must have seen the movie “What About Bob?” before you’re allowed to use the term “baby steps” in conversation.
Dear all news shows, just stop broadcasting and start syndicating The Daily Show instead of your stuff. It’s far better material.
Why Roberto Luongo is Like A Fax Machine, The Crustacean Job Crunch, and the European Style Excuse; amongst others.
I’d like to take a moment to thank you folks, my loyal and/or re-routed from links on other websites’ audience. Last month was again, an all-time high for reads, and marked the 10,000th read of this non-sense. That’s a pretty low readership compared to other bloggers, but I think it’s pretty good for a guy who rattles off his random thoughts at 2 am 5 times a month. It’s fun to see that people read this stuff, and voluntarily choose to come back again. I’ve even had a few of you mention to me in person that you read and enjoy the blog, and that’s been pretty cool too. So, thanks everyone! I’ll do my best to continue to entertain you, (hopefully less often) stir up controversy, and generally thieve relatively unimportant moments of your life away from you that you’ll never get back :)
Alright, on with the show…
Why on earth does faxing still exist? It’s like laserdisc-like invention that we seemingly got too excited about too early, and then made waaaay too big of a commitment to. It was a pretty revolutionary idea for its time, no question. But by the time email rolled around and made it obsolete, every business in North America was still too proud that they had their shiny new fax numbers listed in the phone book, and weren’t willing to give them up. And like the gasoline engine, or Robert Luongo’s 12-year strangling overpayment deal, we’re in too deep and/or just too proud to get out now.
After all man’s technological advancements and inventions, the power still goes out when it gets stormy. Can we solve that already? We can broadcast a zillion useless channels to every TV on the planet, move ourselves with every form of transportation imaginable on and off the planet, and even create objects capable of leaving the solar system; but we can’t quite figure out how to keep the lights on when grey clouds roll in and it starts to rain.
so, the iPad is basically just a big iPhone that doesn’t make calls? What do I need one of those for? Of all the things I need to carry around that doesn’t fit in my pocket, is an oversized electronic rectangle one of them?
Any iPad owners out there? Are you happy with your purchase? In 200 words or less, tell me why or why not, in the form of a comment.
We recently discovered water on the Moon & Mars, which we previously believed to be barren, and found shrimp-like creatures living in frigid Antarctic waters… Does anyone else get the feeling we don’t know as much about the universe as we thought we did?
How long until we start sending Honda Asimo’s to other planets to settle new civilizations? And of course, how long until they become self-aware, and enslave the human race?
Are we done using the “it’s European” excuse to wear ridiculous things skinny jeans, faux-hawks, and man-purses in North America yet? Can we just let the Europeans be the Europeans already?? Have we still not learned anything from Seinfeld???
It’s unfortunate that misogyny is a negative word. Everyone likes massages, don’t they?
Girls that have been told they look like their dad, or their brother, or some other male, probably shouldn’t get boy haircuts, right?
Do you think the job market is as tough for crustaceans and other sea life as it is for humans? Example: the Alaskan Pollock fish that are masquerading around as crab and being sold as imitation crab meat, just because they’re lower in cholesterol and cheaper; do you think they’re putting hard working real crabs out of work? Yeah me neither. The crabs are probably pretty pumped about not being swiped out of their existence and being boiled to death, I’d say.
A few thoughts on football before people’s caring about it completely drifts away until next season…
First, of course a tip of the cap to the Saints for winning the Superbowl. I’m not anywhere near the first person to make this observation, but New Orleans was in need of something to celebrate since the Hurricane there. Enjoy the “Lombardi Gras(awesome name)”, New Orleans!
Now that we’re in the TiVO age, the Superbowl is the only television broadcast (possibly) in history that people will actually fast-forward the content in order to get to the commercials. $3 million dollars for 30 seconds this year. Here’s the best one that I saw:
So all the winners of any championship are on the field decked out in their new championship shirts and hats. Obviously they had that stuff printed up prior to the win, and they must’ve made stuff for both teams (especially in a 1 game showdown for all the marbles, like in football). So I’m wondering, where do all the printed shirts and hats go of the team that didn’t win the championship? Is it carted off to be incinerated, as to not leave any evidence of its existence? I’d love to get my hands on the 1993 Los Angeles Kings Stanley Cup Champions stuff that never made it to the public.
The NFL recently adopted the use of captain’s C’s on their jerseys; ala the NHL. In hockey, this identifies you as a leader, and affords you the ability to converse with referees during the game. Hockey’s got C’s and A’s; but the NFL has developed some sort of Star Trek star ranking system. Can any football fans out there clue me in on the responsibilities possessed by NFL captains, and how the ranking system works?
The fact that headsets allow conversation between Quarterbacks, coaches, and team officials in the press box up top during games seems a little like cheating, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t the players just play the game as they see it? What happened to the well-disguised hand signals and mouth covering of baseball?
And finally, is there any more indication that the NFL is a business first, game second, than the fact that the team owner gets to hoist the Lombardi Championship Trophy first, ahead of team captains, and all the players? I understand the whole “invested interest” thing, but come on man, those guys left it all out on the field to get their hands on that thing (also worked their entire lives to get to play at a level that’s nearly unobtainable by most humans). Everyone tuned in to watch THE PLAYERS play football. You paid a bunch of money. You deserve the hoist too, but let the guys have their fun first. Also, for how glorified the Superbowl has become, can we get them an adequately sized trophy? Nothing says, “We’re the best in the world!” like a huge, two-hands-required, over-the-head-hoist, trophy.
The Stanley Cup is a prime example; with all the engravings of past champs
and additions of new sections over 100+ years of hockey. You lift a lot more than that season over your head when you win it; especially considering you have to win 4 seperate 7 game series’ to get it. The NFL’s just got a shiny football on a stick that you can lift with one hand. And you can win it in one game. Which would you rather win?
With Mark McGwire’s recent tearful admission of steroid use throughout his baseball career after plenty of speculation, we’ve all gone and (rightfully so) pointed our fingers, called McGwire and other players who have admitted (or that we speculate) taking performance enhancing drugs, as cheaters; tarnishing world class baseball, and to an extent, world class athletics and their athletes in the process.
Now lets get one thing straight before we go any further; these guys are cheaters. But that’s not the major point I’d like to discuss.
Before we factor in the advantage of performance enhancing drugs, can we at least admit that these athletes are simply talented individuals, gifted in their field? McGwire made some good, or at least arguable, points throughout his admission interview. When Bob Costas asked him if he believes he could have hit the record breaking 70 homeruns, or his 600 career homeruns, without the assistance of drugs, McGwire replied,
“Absolutely. I was given this gift by the man upstairs; to hit home runs. I started studied pitchers. I started understanding how they try to get you out. During that, my swing was changing. I started off as a raw kid, who had the ability to hit from the back leg and hit wall-scrapping home runs. Over the years, as you saw, my swing became shorter and shorter, and I learned how to hit through the baseball… The only reason I took steroids was for my health purposes. I did not take steroids to get any gain for any strength purposes… I’ve always had bat speed. I just learned how to shorten my bat speed. I learned how to be a better hitter. There is not a pill or an injection that is going to give me the hand-eye – or give any athlete – the hand-eye coordination to hit a baseball. A pill or an injection will not hit a baseball… As I look back now I can see why people would say [that I cheated]. As far as the God-given talent and hand-eye coordination and the genetics I was given, I don’t see it [as cheating]… I look at my swing and look at how it evolved over time. That’s from a lot of hard work. That’s from many, many hours of hitting off the tee. I was the first one to the ballpark and the last one to leave… I just believed in my ability and my hand-eye coordination. And I believed in the strength of my mind. My mind was so strong, and I developed that on my own. No pill or no injection is going to do that.”
Former McGwire teammate, Jose Canseco, recently spoke via Twitter on the admission interview. Though he claimed McGwire hadn’t been entirely truthful about what he said, he did make some agreeable sentiments, saying,
“Bat speed, timing, hand eye coordination, balance…. you either have it or you don’t. Talent and hard work are key components to success as a professional athlete. Steroids do help, but you have to have the foundation.”
A 2008 documentary entitled “Bigger, Stronger, Faster*” made some interesting points that many people may not know; such as Tiger Woods’ laser eye correction to 20/15 vision, which gives him an very unfair advantage over his competitors. Of course, he’s really good at golf for a lot of good reasons, but this seems like an unnecessary loophole, doesn’t it? Does he need to be talented, and have the ability to see the cup from the tee box 500 yards away?
I really believe that the best players in sports are simply better than the rest of the people on the planet at what they do. On a level playing field, not a lot of people would be anywhere close to as good at baseball as McGwire, or as Woods in golf, or any other celebrated athlete. Those guys are just better than you. The players I feel bad for are the ones with that raw talent who stayed clean through their careers but were only potential major league fringe players at best, but get beat out by another player of the same talent level that didn’t stay clean, and had to watch a cheater fulfill his dream instead of him. At least those guys will have marbles for nuts in the end.
But beyond pro sports, some people use drugs called Beta Blockers, like Propranolol, to avoid stage fright, tremor, performance anxiety, panic, pounding heart, cold/clammy hands, increased respiration, sweating, and other conditions that could cause less than optimal performance.
Many professional musicians use these anxiety reducing drugs to calm nerves and increase focus prior to performances. So next time you’re auditioning for a spot in a band, and that guy who was no good last month suddenly gets awesome at his instrument and beats you out for a spot and becomes a big rock star while you stay home playing Guitar Hero, maybe there’s more to it?
Even students use them to improve test, homework, and school scores. Wouldn’t you hate to think that someone got the last spot into a prestigious school, or won some sort of competition over you because they were on something, and you weren’t?
Some doctors and surgeons use the same stuff before performing procedures. Wouldn’t you want your doctor at the top of his or her game before opening you up and playing with your life?
So the question is, are these people cheating too? If we shine the spotlight so prominently on baseball players, pro wrestlers, bodybuilders, and other professional athletes; should we not hold people competing in entirely different fields of play accountable as well? Where should the line be drawn? Why can Arnold Schwarzenegger do steroids, gain fame, become a movie star, and eventually a governor; why can Sylvester Stallone beef up with HGH for the latest Rocky installment, be a hero and make a ton of money; why can countless other people in other professions put these same substances in themselves without a word of objection from anywhere, but as soon as Bonds or Sosa hit an absurd amount of homeruns, all of a sudden their reputation is tarnished forever and everything they do gets an * beside it? Both sides are putting on a show to “set an example for the kids”, but isn’t it interesting which people become the bad guys and which carry on as they were when the truth comes out?
I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you for so long. My excuse is that it’s been Christmas holidays, and now my wife and I are on vacation in Phoenix, Arizona visiting Justin Bourne (writer for the USA Today, Hockey News, and his own blog www.jtbourne.com), and his awesome fiance Brianna; where we have been stealing citrus tree fruit in large amounts(freshly stolen picked organic oranges, grapefruits, and lemons are incredible), avoiding responsibility, and generally enjoying not being cold.
I also played the first game of Monopoly I’ve ever completed, and won (if you follow me on Twitter, my collected bounty was the right to abuse Bourne’s Re-tweets). I then subsequently completed my second game the next night. And lost. Monopoly’s insane. I bet you’ve walked away from more games than you’ve finished too.
Anyways, Happy New Year! Lets get on with the non-sense already…
Is it really fair to require lottery winners to answer a skill testing question correctly in order to claim their winnings? Sure, anyone with a high-school math education SHOULD be able to answer them, but don’t you feel bad for the guy that matches all the numbers for a few million dollars, pencils in his answer, and then has his prize rejected because he got the question wrong? Or the lady who has been poor her whole life, scraped together her nickels and dimes to purchase a ticket, wins the big one, could set her and her whole family free of debt, and muffs the math question because she failed to recollect BEDMAS (Brackets, E… uh, oh) from her secondary school education 50 years ago? Are we really only allowing (moderately) intelligent people to win money? Smells like a discrimination lawsuit to me.
“Yeah, you did win, but as a result of this test, we don’t believe you are mentally capable of possessing this amount of money…”
Traffic circles have irked me for a long time. I hate them. They have no place in our cities. Sure they increase traffic flow, cause less accidents (except when they’re built too narrow, and a semi-truck approaches the first corner), and generally have nice potted flowers in the middle. But they just look so stupid. Who are we kidding; they’re Cul-de-Sac’s with multiple entry and exit points. Everyone knows Cul-de-Sac’s have one-and-the-same entry and exit, and only go at the end of small residential streets. Somehow, they are continuing to multiply in our cities. At last count, Kelowna was housing around 5 that I’ve seen. Something needs to be done, and quick. Stop being so Euro, us!
Speaking of traffic violations, Jay-walkers. Hey guys, look, I’m one of you. I get crazy too some days, feel like breaking the law, and cross the street at un-marked areas frequently. I did it about 6 times this afternoon. But can I get a little hustle out of the rest of you? Even just swooshing your arms at an elevated speed to create the illusion that you’re running? You’re not on the white-dashed lines, we’ve established that, so you’re technically fair game out there. The audacity of the strolling jay-walker; casually, nonchalant, actually staring down a driver who has selflessly slowed down for this borderline community service candidate is absolutely mesmerizing. Don’t be a halfway jay-walker either. You’re either in or you’re out. You have no business floating on the yellow line waiting for the other side to grant you an opening. You gotta find a full street-width opening, and get ‘er goin. You simply cannot expect anyone to stop for you; treat it like it’s life and death (would you give me serious injury?). The only exception to this is the bumper to bumper traffic jam, in which the road has become similar to a parking lot. Frogger methodology may be invoked at the Jay-walker’s discretion in this scenario.
I don’t believe I could get drugs if I tried. I’d be terrified to even attempt it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not requesting them here; I’m just stating my inability to acquire them. People are doing them, all over the place. Smuggling, trafficking, drugs are certainly present pretty much everywhere. My home province is well known for them. Rappers rhyme about them, and I know people who have done them. But I’m now so far removed from those people, and utterly frightened to run into an undercover cop, be mauled by a drug sniffing dog, be caught on camera, and every other thing that would lead to a criminal record, jail time, and/or having my freedom to travel internationally revoked; that I shudder at the sheer schematics of me even endeavouring in obtaining them. That plus, I don’t need or want them for any reason. Please don’t offer me drugs.
This is going to be the oldest sounding thing I’ve written, but regardless, the kids of today are going to unbelievably smart when they get to an age where they’re able to contribute to society. That or, they’ll just keep being good at computers and video games.
My 3 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew know how to navigate the internet, and are showing me the how to beat levels on Super Mario Galaxy for Nintendo Wii. The other day I got beat in PS2 NHL ’08 Shootout by my friend Colin ( http://go-team-burritt.blogspot.com/ )’s 3 year old son (What kind of a controller uses shapes for button designations, anyways? Screw you, Sony.).
Back in the day, adults were in awe of our generation. In second grade, we
started learning to type on computerized keyboards and we were the lab rats used to figure out the first generation of black and white Mac computers. Unfortunately for them, we spent more time figuring out SimCity and SimAnt than we did figuring out the things we were supposed to be doing, which I still can’t remember what they were.
Around the same time, I began my domination of the original Nintendo Entertainment System, which still is relatively uncontended. Mario Brothers (all incarnations), Mega Man, Ninja Turtles, Batman, and plenty others fell to my
conquering fist and button-mashing thumbs in my basement. But these young whippersnappers of today I tell ya, they’re getting good, and they’re getting good early. I better start shopping for a strata.
Ok, so you’re Amish. Maybe you’re Mennonite. Perhaps you just simply feel and believe that showing the skin on your arms below the elbow, and neck is
unacceptable. Fine, you’re entitled to your belief set, whatever it may be. But just because you’ve decided to a strict 17th century dress code style, does it automatically mean that your clothes and their style are stuck there too? Is a long sleeve t-shirt and jeans out of the question? Are you locked into the bonnet-black dress-white apron look? If it’s a matter of not supporting off-shore sweatshop manufacturing or something of the likes, that’s respectable. But I’m sure there have been a few updates in sewing patterns that could pass as acceptable.
Also, why does it seem that the women in these societies seem to be more bound to these rules than the men? I have a few Mennonite friends that I hope I am not offending by any of this; I simply want to pose a few questions that I do not know the answers to. Please excuse my naivity and ignorance.
I don’t think the format of today’s spelling bees are a fair way to determine a
spelling champion. The contenders should not all have to spell different words. If finalist 1 gets “tetrahydrozoline” wrong, and finalist 2 gets “schematics” correct, what has that proven?
In my spelling bee, all contestants would be locked in individual sound-proof booths until it was their turn (the claustrophobic need not enter the contest). One by one, each player would spell the same word, and then return to their enclosures, until they were eliminated by their mistakes, and a legit winner was eventually crowned. If ESPN and TSN are going to continue to cut out actual sports that deserve airtime for things like spelling bees and dog-shows, then they need to amp up the legitimacy.