Cranial Cleanse: Brain On Shuffle — Questionable Cerebral Activity.

As per evolutionary theory, Nudists should either become extremely hairy to keep warm and technically devolve back into monkeys, shouldn’t they? The evolutionary theory, of course, being that creatures adapt to their surroundings to survive? Seems like instead of putting clothes on to keep warm (which they are refusing to do), their bodies/brains should automatically switch on the “grow more hair to keep warm” button. Maybe Sasquatch sightings are really devolved nudists? If they don’t devolve, maybe nudists will go extinct all together.

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Speaking of questionable brain functions, what’s the deal with the mass worm suicides when it rains? Who’s the idiot worm spearheading the campaign call for every worm everywhere to surface when it starts raining, and then shrivel up and die all over my driveway? These worms must be the cult leaders of the worm world. Also, who knew there were that many worms?

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From my freezer, 5 minutes ago. I could take this same picture of different bananas every month.

Why do people insist on freezing their rotten bananas? As good as your intentions may be, and as good as banana bread is, you know you’re never going to make it. So just throw them away when they go bad.

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Why do people want you to smell bad things? Why is it that whenever something smells bad, there’s always someone who says, “aww man, this smells awful! Hey, come over here and smell this!” It smells BAD, moron, what makes your brain think this is a characteristic I look for in things I wish to smell?

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How useless is the “let me know if you don’t get this” email message? How would you know you didn’t get it? Should I reply to a non-existent email to confirm my not having received the message?

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Yahoo! Answers might be the most useless page on the internet. Yahoo Wrong/Irrelevant/Speculative-at-best Answers would be a more accurate name for that website.

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anti-biotics, pro-biotics….. cripes, do I want biotics in my body or not??? Is there a neutral biotic?

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HD TV technology has made me realize how much makeup sportscasters wear on-air during broadcasts. Seems a little uncalled for, like when they make elementary school boys wear red lipstick and makeup to perform in school musicals.

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Quite the audacity by Shell, thinking they can change the index/middle finger v-shape peace sign to stand for their V-Power gas instead.  Look Shell, you’re worth a lot of money, but YOU CAN’T REPLACE PEACE WITH THE MOST EXPENSIVE GRADE OF YOUR GASOLINE.

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There should be a rule that u must have seen the movie “What About Bob?” before you’re allowed to use the term “baby steps” in conversation.

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Dear all news shows, just stop broadcasting and start syndicating The Daily Show instead of your stuff. It’s far better material.

Hockey, Sports, and Non-Sense: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things….

Ok, first some shameless self-promotion…. I’ve been published! Like, in a real newspaper! “The View” in Lake Country will be printing my stuff every two weeks, both in ink and online. Here’s a link to the first one. If you live in the Winfield/Lake Country area, be sure to pick up a copy and have a gander. Check out their website too, and follow them on Twitter.

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Ok, some hockey…..

Wish as you might, you're no Gretzky's.

As much as I hate the Vancouver Canucks, I do have to be objective from time to time, and give them their due. They’ve had an unreal season. The Sedin’s are running things. Can you imagine how many points Daniel would have had last season, had he not gotten hurt? Nearly comparable to what Sid Crosby might have ended up with minus his concussion this season. That ‘C’ might even have ended up on his sweater, rather than Henrik’s. Well, enjoy your President’s Trophy win. And remember, that award is for REGULAR SEASON accomplishments. If you’d forgotten that the playoffs are a whole other world, I’m sure a first round meeting with the Blackhawks will jog their memories pretty quick.  For the past 2 seasons, the President’s Trophy winner has lost in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs (Bruins, Captials), and it has been a curse to many other winners too.  Vancouver residents, have you purchased your 2011 riot protection gear yet?

Also, Alex Burrows leads the NHL in all-time most “what, no call?” looks at referees.

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Speaking of Crosby…this is out of line, but it’d be funny if his returning to the NHL now because Mario Lemieux told him if he didn’t play again, he’d have to move out of his house and get a real job. Luckily for Sid, he’s been out of Mario’s for a while now. Supposedly.

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"Say you're sorry, Mark!"

I don’t get why a respected veteran like Mark Recchi would say something stupid like a guy with a fractured vertebrae was embellishing. He said it was to take some heat off of Zdeno Chara after the Pacioretty incident, but I mean come on man, that’s pretty low. Those who argue his “veteran savvy” in diffusing a volatile situation can’t possibly compare what Recchi said to Gretzky showing up at Marty McSorley’s trial and drawing the media to the front of the building while Marty made a slick escape out the back. This is more like Chara did something regrettable, so Recchi went all topper, and said something stupider than Zdeno actually performed.  Just seems unnecessary, unclassy, and disrespectful, especially coming from a 2-time Stanley Cup champ, multi-time all-star, and future hall-of-famer.  Whatever. The Bruins slaughtered the Habs in the rematch, and basically just pwn them all around now.

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TSN’s Oilers documentary, “Oil Change” seems like it was named with wishful thinking. They’re still awful, just like last year. What is it exactly, that changed? I’d still like to see more of this and HBO 24/7’ish NHL programming next season; and as I’ve mentioned before, it’d be unreal to shoot a show like this in the Cup finals.

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Sports Shorts….

With the baseball season underway, go ahead and try to justify why MLB teams need to play 162 games a season. No really, go ahead, I dare you. Can’t do it? Shocking.

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I loved this little quip from President Obama on the NFL labor dispute, especially the little smirk at the end: http://youtu.be/-x9NDSxGV90  Figure it out NFL.  Or your fans may be forced to endure a “New NFL“, too.

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Is it just me, or does Andy Roddick seem like he’s trying WAAAY too hard to be the John McEnroe of this generation of tennis, verbally? I guess pro sports are entertainment after all; I’m sure sports not included in the “big 4” need to try a little harder to compete for viewership and advertising/merchandise sales.

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Annnnnd, some non-sense……

I’ve purchased 3 Tim Hortons’ Roll-Up The Rim To Win Cups, and had one winner (coffee), leaving me with a .333 winning percentage. Could be better. But then again, it could be worse, and I could be addicted to coffee.

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If you can’t pay your debt to the mafia, and they break your legs, or whatever, does that clear your debt, or do you still owe? Do they keep breaking more things until your cough up the cheddar, or does the bodily harm cover it?

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If we all collectively start ignoring Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, & Justin Bieber, will they all go away and disappear from conversation?

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Piers Morgan is the worst interviewer on TV. And of all-time. Someone make him go away. Who thought he’d actually work out as a follow-up to Larry King?

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Scream 4? Come on….seriously? They actually thought it was a good idea to make another one of those?  The Arquette split must’ve been more expensive than either David or Courtney realized it would be.

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Instead of going on detox diets, why don’t people just not-tox in the first place? Wouldn’t that save a lot of time, pain, and money?

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Is it just me, or do most minimum wage jobs require a lot more actual, physical work than most high paying jobs?

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Whomever ended up with 555-5555 as their phone number must regret accepting those digits.

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The band Rush, to me, is as rap music is to my dad: Bothersome noise. Turn that crap off!

Follow @davecunning  Follow @CunningAthletix

Cranial Cleanse: Reality Renormalization, Ben Franklin, Akon, Bowl Games Boggle, Catfish, Spelling, and Special Feature Shh’ers… You Know Who You Are.

Can we just go ahead and properly rename “reality” shows like Survivor, Big Brother, etc as regular game shows, like they actually are?  In what person’s twisted “reality” do you get deprived of food and water for extended periods of time, purposely betray trust and stab people in the back, and generally do whatever it takes to screw people out of a large lump sum of money and obtain it for yourself?  What is the big difference between “reality” tv and a gameshow, that a “reality” show is not filmed in a studio, and sometimes they go outside? 

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When someone makes an ambiguous statement, and then follows it up by saying “You know who you are”, in reference to anonymously calling out people who do what’s being talked about;  sometimes that subject’s identification is a lot hazier than the speaker realizes.   It’s a lot like when someone that you don’t know is waving at someone behind you, but you don’t realize there’s someone behind you, and you think the mystery person is waving at you, and you question yourself whether you should point at yourself and mouth “me?” to the person, or not.  Then you turn around and realize there’s someone behind you returning the greeting.  You also conclude that, you’re an idiot that no one wants to wave at.  Moral of the story is that people need to be more specific; you people who are purposefully general, you know who you are…

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I hate every song Akon sings.

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The whole college football “bowl” season’s popularity boggles me.  It’s great when teams like my friend Adam’s favourite Oregon Ducks make it to the legit national championship; but for all the other bowl game’s whose participants are voted in rather than earning their spots, I have a hard time giving them much cred as they lay claim to the “prestigious” Godaddy.com Bowl Championship, and other such farce trophies.  I mean, are college football teams actually excited to win the godaddy.com Bowl? Can u tell someone you won that with a straight face and legitimately be proud of yourself?

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No disrespect to people out there who choose to use online dating services to find a mate, but if you do, do yourself a favor and see the movie “Catfish” first.  Please.  I won’t spoil the movie for you, but basically a woman grossly misrepresents herself through an online relationship and the guy calls her on it.  It’s pretty nutty.  On paper, you would think online matching services would be able to very scientifically and appropriately pair people, BUT that only has a chance of working when truthful data is entered.  Granted, the movie isn’t based on an online dating site (rather, an email/facebook connection), but the same premise still applies.

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I really enjoy the “Special Features” option on DVD’s; you know, deleted scenes and whatnot.  But the one thing I just don’t get why anyone would want to see/hear it is the movie’s audio commentary (usually by the director, actors, or people involved in the film) dubbed overtop of the show and drowning out the movie’s dialogue – I mean, who wants to watch a movie while someone’s talking the whole time?  Isn’t this just a “shhhh’ers” crowning moment?

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It’s a good thing electricity was invented; at this point, there wouldn’t have been enough trees left on the planet to burn for heat and light for the 7 billion people of today.  Well played, Ben Franklin.

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Accidentally misspelling “lose” as “loose” automatically makes your sentence twice as hilarious (laughing at you, not with you, hilarious), and makes you look like twice the idiot.

Counter-Productive Camo, Vanity Sanity, Taking Care, Dickfor, Invalid Validity & Demonizing Dog Punting.

well, it looks like at least one guy can't see him.

Ok, so you’re in the military; I’ve legitimately got all the respect in the world for you. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but is it really necessary for you to be dressed in your camouflage fatigues at all times, even out in public, broad daylight, and basically anywhere you can’t hide and can be seen? Isn’t that technology supposed to help you blend in with your surroundings and keep you hidden and safe from enemies? Who are you fooling sitting in an airport LA-Z-Boy while reading the paper?

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The mindless things we say to each other… Why do we tell people to “take care” at the conclusion of an interaction? Sure, it sounds nice, and like you care about their well-being and all; but what are you really advising? Are people forgetting care at home when they leave? Is the notion of being careful lost upon a person unless they are reminded to take it with them? Are people noticeably more wreckless and accident/injury prone after wrapping up a conversation without this prompting?

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I recently heard some 10 year old kid using the classic “dickfor” joke on his friend, which I hadn’t heard since I was about his age.   Some juvenile gags never phase themselves out apparently.

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Is “Invalid” one of the most demeaning descriptive terms out there used to describe someone who is disabled?  I mean, so the person has some sort of physical limitation, now they’re no longer even a valid human being?  Come on, now. 

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I like it when people don’t BS and just call things the way they actually are. I took this pic of the Vanity Salon on Leon in Kelowna, because (in name, at least) finally there’s a salon that isn’t trying to fool anyone; this business promotes vanity, and is probably going to make you pay an exorbitant amount of money for something you could probably do almost as well by yourself at home. Beautiful.

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Gizmo (top left & snoozing bottom right) & Koko (top right/bottom left)

Why does everyone want to punt my dogs? Ok, so they’re small, yappy, and if there was such thing as a canine IQ test, I can’t say they’d score all that well. But I mean, come on, look at them. You’re telling me you’d actually, literally, line one of them up and try to put them through the uprights? You’re pure evil. Feel shame.

Cranial Cleanse: CCM Caught Copying, Soft Reassessment, Intentional Tears, Taliban Takeover, Christmas Shopping/Cute Female Override, & Rider Donuts.

Bauer Vapor x:60's Limited Edition from 2009 (left) & CCM Crazy Light's from 2010 (right)

CCM’s new Crazy Light skates are just blatant Bauer Vapor x:60 rip offs, aesthetically, are they not? I’m sure they’re made different and all, but look at these pictures, and tell me the CCM guys didn’t at least once say to themselves, “well, if we can’t beat ‘em, lets copy join them.”  It’s an interesting move considering that Bauer has been running away with the skate popularity race for years.  It seems a little surrender-ish from a company that had a lot of people swearing by CCM Tacks for years.  I wonder if their Reebok owners had any input into the design?

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Is it a little disturbing to know that a “baby’s butt” has been determined to be the standard in smoothness, and that this fact is verified and supported by most people? Who’s feeling all these baby’s butts to compare? Potentially worse yet is the thought of a guy with a baby’s butt in one hand, and a comparative object in the other, saying to himself, “Nope, I’m gonna stick with the butt. Still the softness standard to me.” FIND SOMETHING LESS WEIRD TO BE THE SOFTEST THING IN THE WORLD.

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When it comes to shampoo, why is it that when you’re no longer a baby, you’re immediately subjected to the eye-burning formulation? Why can’t all shampoo not hurt when you accidentally get it in your eyes?

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If you’re in the Taliban and you keep hearing on the news about when the armed forces of the US, Canada, and other countries are planning on pulling out of the Middle East, aren’t you just saying to yourselves you’ll just keep hanging on until they’re gone?  Seems like an ineffective peace strategy when literally anyone can look up whatever information they want on the internet.  Hint to North American forces, they don’t all live in caves as you might presume…

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Christmas shopping overrides the importance of all other shopping outings of the year (birthdays, etc).  It takes place all year round, not uncommon to be heard of happening in mid-June, and sometimes Christmases in advance for the hardcore.  But honestly, the hype around that one hot item of the year that everyone wants…I mean, unless you need the Tickle Me Elmo (or whatever it is this year) in your closet for 8 months that bad, everything you need is available from somewhere, either in store or online,  right up to Christmas Eve. And when you pull in to the mall parking lot on Christmas Eve to get that one last present you need to complete your season’s shopping experience, signal to turn into the ONE empty spot in the whole lot, and then slam on the brakes halfway into the spot when you see this sign, how angry would you guess you’d be, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is clam happy, 10 is volcanic)?  I get the whole “green initiative” thing, but this really steams me.

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Speaking of override, once a woman gets the notion that someone or something is “cute” in their mind, there is no turning back. The female recognition of cute overrides all rational and logical thinking. Every man knows he’s heard lines from girls like, “Oh that baby’s so cute, lets buy everything in the world for him!” or “That Leonardo DiCaprio’s a terrible actor, but he’s just so…darn…cute… we should go rent all his movies right now, and tomorrow I’m flying to LA to stalk hi– wait, I mean for, um, business….” or any stereotypical story where a girl falls for a complete numbskull who ends up beating her, getting her pregnant and generally destroying her future all because she thought he was cute, to which all we can (legally) do as males is just shake our heads. Well maybe not all the scenarios are like that last example, but you get my point.

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And lastly… not even Tim Hortons’ special edition Saskatchewan Roughriders sprinkle donuts were enough to bring the 2010 Grey Cup back to Regina.  After all the over-hyping and pro Rider media, you gotta respect Montreal for repeating as Grey Cup champions.

Bieber & The Pop Star Perversion, An Ugg-Lee Merger, the Daylight Savings Time Deficiency, American Politics, Daytime calls, Allen Keys Annoyance, & the JW Halloween Costume Loophole.

This daylight savings time thing really should be all all-or-none effort; it really makes next to no sense for only some provinces, states and cities to do it.  The city of Creston BC (where I played junior hockey) and the entire province of Saskatchewan (where I got my degree, played college hockey, met my wife, etc) don’t participate, why should the rest of us have to have it dark at 4:30 pm?

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The ratio of which American media talks about, prep for, & pre/post analyze polls, to the time they spend actually voting is extremely lopsided towards the former.  Immediately following whatever that mid-term election stuff was, there was already Obama vs Palin polls being taken for a potential 2012 presidential showdown (with Obama winning handily), instead of interest in what the newly elected governors/senate or whatever were going to accomplish.  Can somebody please focus on the present?  Did Jon Stewart Rally For Sanity in vain?? 

The ratio of which American politicians campaign/slander their opponents in commercials to the time they spend doing actual work is about of the same ratio.  Those TV commercials seem to be more about how bad the opponent is and what a horrible job they’ve done, and rarely mention anything about what the prospective candidate is going to do better.  What have we learned? Slander > function?

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Please go away, and don't come back. Cut your hair, and take your teeny bopper girl scout troop with you. Also, leave all your money.

I don’t even know who Justin Bieber is. What I DO know is that I can’t stand him. I hope the “Bieber Bus” somehow ends up in a fiery car wreck along with every Smart car ever produced, all at the same time. No casualties, of course, except for the vehicles.  And Bieber.  Okay, I do know who he is, and I’ll have to give the little …. guy some credit, he can sing.  It’s just the media over-hype/commercialization, and the screaming pre-teen girls that make me want to blow up my TV and stab myself in the ears when I hear that name.  I can’t wait until puberty kicks in, the voice cracks, and this whole charade comes to a grinding halt…

My wife raised an interesting point the other day about the Rihanna-Eminem collaborated songs “Love The Way You Lie” parts 1 & 2, to the tune of whether or not it’s appropriate for Rihanna to sing a song about domestic violence after the whole Chris Brown-domestically-violencing-her incident.  The duet is an interesting juxtaposition, because on the other hand you also have Eminem and his storied domestic dispute history with wife/ex-wife/wife/ex-wife Kim; and how his lyrics have never known any limits in regards to appropriation and are very purposefully presented that way; not all that different than the way Marilyn Manson was hung by the media for in the 90′s.

So then the question becomes, what is the the line between musical artists creating intelligent, insightful music and them creating for pure shock value, creating controversy just to get people talking and to sell records?  Interesting how you usually hear all the hubub right around when one of their albums is about to be released, isn’t it?  And further, as most of us would (at least morally) disagree with the commercialization of young, girl musical artists dressing scantily and singing sexually provocative lyrics (not even written by the artist),  who then is more skanky, the lip-syncing pop star, or the record producer endorsing promoting the act to even younger kids with the sole intention of turning a profit?

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If Ugg boots and Lee jeans merged, you’ve have an aptly named product.  Wordplay, FTW.  Imagine an ugly looking pair of boots sewn onto the bottoms of a low grade pair of jeans creating a one-piece waist-to-toe garment.  You’re welcome, upcoming spring fashion.

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If you’re a telemarketer, or anyone who works for an over-the-phone annoyance business, why are you phoning homes in the middle of the day?  You’re obviously targeting the unemployed, because they’re the only people that would be home during the day while everyone else is working; yet if they’re not employed, they probably can’t afford whatever it is that you’re peddling.  Seems counterproductive, no?  Further, the callers that come equipped with background info (know your address, and other info) and probably even know that you do work during the day; that seems like a complete waste of a call seeing as though you’re almost definitely not home, and even if someone was home, the people that the homeowner would actually want to talk to would  know they’d be out at that time of the day and wouldn’t be calling, so there’s no way it’s someone they’d actually want to talk to,  and thusly it would not be worth the risk of answering a day-time phone call without caller ID or if they didn’t recognize the number.

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There should be a law against manufacturing mechanical parts that require Allen/Hex keys.  If you’re working on a project in your garage/workshop, or wherever, and you encounter that one pivotal screw that requires that oddball L-shaped disgrace tool to remove it, you immediately curse its inventors, and wonder why making the screw fit a Phillips, Robertson, or any other conventional tool was just too much to ask.

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I wonder how many actual Jehovah Witnesses were knocking on doors on Halloween? Seems like a good night to get more than 2 seconds of people’s attention; as you tell the person at the house you’re not actually dressed up, it’s how you dress every day, that you don’t want candy but would like to come in and talk, and then…. SLAM.

Consequently, I’d be willing to bet anyone who dressed up as a Jehovah Witness for Halloween and attempted to trick or treat probably didn’t receive one single piece of candy from anyone.  In fact, I might even bet that the whole Halloween needles-in-apples scandal was probably based on one Jehovah Witness-trick or treat incident.  Thanks guys, thanks a lot.  Stop bothering people.  And if someone does let you into their home, don’t take that as an open invitation for infinite visits.

Sports Shorts: MJ-Favre, Shootout Trophy, Kings Colors, Goalie Chirps, and the Commonwealth Games Snub.

 

 

Before (good) & after (not as good)

To me, it seems that the most recent incarnation of Brett Favre (that is, the Minnesota Vikings version) seems a lot like the most recent playing incarnation of Michael Jordan (Washington Wizards edition); both former superstars in their prime (Jordan best basketball player ever, Favre arguably one of the better quarterbacks in recent history), now playing in/beyond the twilight of their career, playing for an obscure team not likely of much success, putting up decent enough numbers to say that they’re contributing, but not in a “championship contender” kind of way.  Oh, and they both danced the retired/unretired/retired/unretired-legacy endangering sonata, with Mike finally bowing out, and Brett (supposedly) finally winding down after this year as well.  I know it’s gotta be hard to leave the game for a lot of different/mostly selfish reasons; it’s all they’ve ever done, all their friends are doing it, what else would they do, they’re really good at it, winning championships is fun, self-worth and identification, etc.  But I think the mark of a really great player in any sport is being good enough at it, and earned enough respect through the years to be granted the ability to leave their game on their terms.  Too many players who’ve had good careers abuse this right, lose the privilege, and are eventually told there’s no longer room for them (Mike Modano), or are told just to leave altogether (Chris Chelios).   Not that Modano nor Chelios possess the legacy in hockey that Jordan or Favre do in basketball or football, but you get the point.       

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How is there still not a side points bracket for shootout goals/saves in the NHL?  With such a pivotal interlude in the game that literally wins or loses games, you’d think the people responsible for the results could get some sort of recognition.  Their stats don’t need to count towards Rocket Richard or Vezina Trophy balloting, but why shouldn’t there be a trophy for most shootout goals in a season?  Or shootout saves for that matter?  The best rookie (Calder), defenceman (Norris)/ a forward ”being good at defensive aspects” (Selke), and most gentlemanly player (Lady Byng) all get one and have their acheivements recognized; you’re telling me the guy responsible for winning the most games in the season shouldn’t get something?

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Before (underrated) & After (looking sharp)

I have to admit, I like the retro LA Kings jerseys; they might even be my favourite throw-back uniform so far.  I think the purple and gold look better than they get credit for, and I also think they got way too much heat for looking bad back when they were the starting jerseys.  Also, nice work on the brown pads, glove and blocker.

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A few goalie chirps… how many 2nd chances on how many different teams is Jose Theodore going to get to be good again?  How long before the lustre/protection of a Vezina/Hart Trophy win in 2002 wears off? 10 years max?

Can you imagine if Cory Schnieder bumped $64 mil Roberto Luongo out of the Canucks’ starting goalie spot?  Lu should be careful with his “…the team decided to give Schneids the night off” comments, they might just come back to haunt him, pemanently. 

I’m secretly cheering for Carey Price (not the Habs, just Price) to have an awesome year and shut everyone in Montreal up.  He’s got it rough playing in front of that kind of heat (Habs fans).  Obviously the fans wanted Halak to stay, and no one blames them.  Price getting traded probably would have been the best thing for him, but alas here he is.

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Speaking of heat, with all the hubbub about Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh over the summer, the Miami Heat pretty well have to win the NBA title this year if they’re going to show their faces in the league after this season, right?  Ok, good talk. 

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Do the Commonwealth Games seem a little snooty to anyone else?  54 countries are invited to participate, while at the Olympics, 200 are invited.  Do the results not seem a little skewed when you only compete against ¼ of the world’s sporting community?  Sure it’s nice to win stuff and be better than other people at sports, but I wouldn’t have too long of a parade when I get home for winning one of those medals.  Tough to brag much about winning when athletes from countries like China, Russia, Germany, and the USA aren’t invited or anywhere near the premises.  Congratulations, you beat competitors from a bunch of other average nations at this event….        



Cranial Cleanse: Rogue Dentists, Talking to Strangers, Rush, & The Birthday Candle Con.

Sooo…….I took like half a month off or so, haha. Sorry.  Here’s the non-sense you’ve all been waiting so patiently for…

"Wait hold on, you're telling me there's a night where they come right to my door? I gotta go."

Does it seem at least a little purpose-defeating that parents tell their kids through their whole childhoods not to take candy from strangers, but then allow the same children once a year on Halloween to approach as many strangers as possible in one night, in the dark, at their homes, and directly ask for candy while dressed in a costume that would make them less easy to identify by passers-by?  Seems like the only thing being saved is the gas money for the van.

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What’s with the birthday cake tradition of identifying the number of un-blown out candles with the number of girl/boyfriends you have just obtained for your failure?  How did we start associating lack of ability and accomplishment with relationship pairing?  How did victory in candle blowouts become associated with freeing oneself of the burden of having a mate?  Were there some parents unhappy with their spousal choices cheering for/teaching their child to be wild, free and single their whole life? 

The kid sits down at the table, happiest day of the year (shared with Christmas), all his friends are there, got his pointy little party hat on, lavished with gifts and praise all day, and then…. there it is.  The birthday cake.  While everyone sits in envy, he’s then informed that he has to accomplish one more task: successfully blowout EVERY candle and be the birthday hero for an entire year (or at least, until his next friend’s birthday party), OR if he does not possess the tracheal capacity to extinguish every last one, he will then subjected to ridicule and torment by all those in attendance because he will then been bound to an unknown female companion for an undisclosed amount of time.  The kid’s breath is going to be more quivery than Woody Allen in electrotherapy.  And as the kid gets older and the number of candles decrease, it becomes increasingly more difficult to avoid the “punishment”.  Then of course, the kid grows up and his parents nag him about when he’s going to get a wife and give them some grandkids.  Great strategy folks.  Scare them enough as kids so that they won’t have sex too young, but put the pressure on as soon as your life starts to get less interesting and requires the kind of excitement that only seeing your bloodline continued can give you.  I’m sure they’ll snap right to it for ya. (PS this little analogy is not about me, I swear)

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"No sir, I don't like it."

Why is it that only 8/10, 9/10, or a fraction less than 100% dentists always recommend a certain dental product?  Who is that one rogue dentists who keeps skewing all the results, refusing to endorse the new product?  Do they keep interviewing the one same dentist every time that never likes the product he tests?  Why don’t they just find another dentist to ask?  Surely there’s got to be one product that 10 random dentists can all agree is good for their patients to use, shouldn’t there be?  It reminds me of the old Simpsons episode with the old guy that always votes “nay” even though he’s the only one, then blames it on someone else.   

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If I pick something of interest off the ground that turns out to be just litter, then I place it back on the ground, have I re-littered?  Does this now excuse the original litterer from the offence and incriminate me, or are they still on the hook?

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The band, “Rush”, sucks.  Yeah, I said it.  Most overrated band of all time. 

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If you have an invention or product that is one of a kind in some way, why on earth would you send it to market stamped as “Patent Pending”, rather than just waiting a little longer for the patent to clear and be official so no one can steal your idea?  Why are you freely offering your item for replication without any consequence?  Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it?

Tiger & Kovy Conspiracy Theories; Twilight, and Other Things That Should Extinct Themselves.

I recently formed a thought about Tiger Woods that even I believed to be rather absurd at first; but upon further review, began to doubt the craziness and saw some logic.  As we all know, Tiger was, undisputedly, the best golfer on the planet.  He got caught cheating on his wife, took a “break” from golf, only to come back, and absolutely suck.  His divorce is finalized, and all of a sudden, he starts playing well again.  Coincidence?  Is it possible that upon becoming fully aware that he was going to lose every dollar he was worth in a divorce settlement, that Tiger may have “took a dive” and purposely tanked his golf game along with his net worth in hopes of having less cash available for Elin to (deservingly) fleece out of every pocket he owns? 

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Now that the NHL has rejected the terms of Ilya Kovalchuk’s absurd contract with the New Jersey Devils a second time, and it has been found to be invalid by a third party as well, does anyone else wish that Ilya would just sign a reasonable contract, or just ship himself off to the KHL already?  If he wants to go play at home (not that I’ve heard he actually does) can we just let him go and get paid for 150 years in sacks of money with dollar signs on them by the mob bosses that run that league, complete with death threats upon lack of success?  Why do we all have to sit through an entire summer’s length of discussion on where this over hyped/paid/acting and underachieving player is going to end up?  If he had a few Cups under his belt, I could see this conversation being more relevant, but what’s Kovy done for anyone latel…errmm…. ever??

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ARE ALL THE TEENY BOPPERS OVER THE STUPID TWILIGHT VAMPIRE CRAP YET???  If not, please pick up the pace.  When I saw the ads for the new movie, “Vampires Suck”, I immediately thought to myself, “Finally!   A movie that portrays every exact feeling I have about this Twilight travesty phenomenon.”  Unfortunately for the filmmakers, I’m not going to see it either.  But, nice goin’ fellas, thanks for doing that for me. 

I gave the original Twilight movie an honest shake at impressing me; my wife and I watched it at the height of its popularity without any foreknowledge of the plot besides that there were vampires in it.  Vampires were cool, so it wasn’t a big stretch, until… the freaking movie started.  From start to finish, it was just such a pile of garbage.  2 full hours of human existence that will never be returned to me with the refund discount coupons I deserve.  Poor writing, acting, lighting…. and just soooo incredibly cheesy.  I didn’t think it would be possible to think of vampires in less of a bad-ass light (keeping company with the Wolfman and Frankenstein bumps you up there), but they found a way to take ‘em down plenty of pegs.  The writers of the books/movies should do themselves a favor and buy all the garlic, stakes, and sunlight detergent out of the stores within a 1000 mile radius of their residences before an angry pitchfork wielding mob taps on their front door [too much? Maybe you’re right.  Ok, they don’t have to perish, just stop writing more books/movies, and apologize to us all for ruining vampires.  Now.].

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The movie, "Groundhog Day" was based on my life. I'm not even allowed to die!

Does it amaze anyone else out there that the Quail continues to survive extinction?  Have you ever seen a more suicidal bird?  One that purposely runs, not flies mind you, yes RUNS in front of your car at the last second, often with an entire family in tow?  Do maybe even the Quails realize how stupid they look with those dangling fish-bobbers bouncing around their heads, and try to put an end to their own species?  Are they perhaps the most ferocious gamblers of the animal kingdom; proposing and attempting death-defying stunts while others wait in the bushes while a bookie quail takes their bets?  Either way, I applaud them for making it this far, but methinks that Quails will be last-second street-crossing themselves the way of the Dodo before much longer.   

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Do you think the makers of Ed Hardy, Affliction, Tap-Out, and Christian Audiger even care that their brands are openly mocked by the public, and are only purchased and worn by the biggest (for lack of a more fitting term) douche-bags in any given city?  Or do you think they just sleep comfortably in their exorbitantly expensive homes paid for by every skull-clad shirt they’ve sold?  Yeah, I think the latter as well.

Wobbly Weights, the Intelligence of the Ice-Cream Man, and Theatre Dudes Look Like a Lady.

Hello?  Anyone still here? 

2-time, 2 time!

Between the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp (by the by, I’m now a 2-time, and back to back VT Cup champ) and Okanagan Hockey School, the month of August becomes my one month a year in Kelowna of steady, dependable income.  It also requires me to work “all day” like apparently “everyone else” does.  Interestingly as it turns out, this approach sees me acquire more money, which I enjoy.  Consequently though, it means I go to bed at a “reasonable time”, and my normal midnight to 2am blogging block becomes voided, and thusly it is you, the reader who suffers.  I encourage you to write a letter to whoever it is that could get me out of this unwelcomed routine, and just pay me to sleep in and stay up late, in the interest of entertaining you better/at all.  So, um, yeah, call all your rich friends and tell them about this AWESOME blogger that you know that they should hand over all their money to in sacks with dollar signs on them; and might I add, chop-chop (hurry, that is).

 No one really likes (or so they always say) to toot their own horn, but if you will allow it (not that you have a choice, I’m the one writing after all), toot-toot!  At the inception of this blog last July, I had a whopping 228 reads that first month.  Now a year later, my last July’s read total came to 2,566.  Now, compared to other bloggers, this is probably still nowhere near their ballparks, but for me I’m going to count it a success.  And of course, I only have you to thank.  So, thanks for reading!!  I hope the trend continues, and that you’ll stick around for the long haul. 

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Alright, on with some non-sense….

Funny how everyone’s weigh scales, whether they are at home in the bathroom or at the gym, are apparently always wrong.  I mean, have you ever stepped on a scale that wasn’t yours that you hadn’t heard was out 5-10 pounds, or something like that?  “Oh, yeah no, if you use it on the carpet, it’ll be waaay off…”  I hate to sound harsh, but can we all just sober up and deal with the truth for a second…. YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT.  There, I said it.  Admitting the problem is the first step, right?  Now, we can all move on together, and figure out how to get the scale to read the number we want it to…

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Put a tie on already!

When I started dating my now-wife, she filled me in on some men’s fashion tips that I believe I benefited from: Match the belt with the shoes, don’t button up the bottom button on your suit jacket, etc.  But there’s one incredible faux-pas that even a fashion idiot like myself doesn’t need to be told not to perform.  Have you seen guys wearing suits that do up the top button on their shirt without wearing a tie?  If you’re a kid trying to fit-in at school and you roll up dressed like this, you might as well punch-a-size your own face, just voluntarily enter the locker, and lock it behind you; you’ve purchased a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Geektown. 

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That's not your mother, it's a MAN baby!

Why do dudes in theatre productions always have to wear caked-on eye-shadow and lipstick? Why can’t they just look like dudes on stage??  Why is it supposedly more believable or realistic that the men would be wearing girl faces while pretending to dance through a fictional life scenario on stage?  Don’t we want to differentiate the men FROM the women?  Are they going for some sort of non-partisan, inter-gender approach?

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The sooner we get the Bob Saget voice-over to the concluding statement, “…and that’s how I met your mother.” On the “hit” (so they say) show “How I Met Your Mother”, the better.  That show’s soooooooo over-rated.  Doogie Howser and the American Pie band-camp girl are just really not my cup of tea. 

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See you tomorrow, Junior!

The ice cream man drove down our block the other day playing a Christmas medley of songs instead of the traditional one it’s played for the past 50 years (“The Entertainer”, I believe?).  Apparently a focus group think-tank determined nothing moves popsicles into kids’ faces during the hot summer months like a Silent Night/Jingle Bells ice-cream truck remix.  Maybe there’s something to it – we’ll see if at Christmas I start craving popsicles for the following six months, and upon my first hearing of the chimes, whether I take out a small loan and buy the entire contents of the truck.  My brother used to buy so many popsicles when he was a kid that when the ice-cream man would come down our street, he would literally park outside our house playing the song until he came out.  I’ve heard other stories of people being followed down the street by ice-cream trucks.  The popsicle peddlers are a sneaky bunch; now that I think about it, maybe that idea isn’t so crazy/beyond them after all….