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Stuff That Sucks 5: Limited Edition Food, Pay For Air, Fat-Pants Accomodation, C’Mon Kumon, and a Future Shop FAIL

October 20, 2011 1 comment

Welcome to the 5th Edition of “Stuff That Sucks”, where I post pictures of the most asinine things I’ve seen lately.  And make fun of them for being ridiculous.

Limited Edition Strawberries and and Tomatoes, hey?  Let me guess: limited to as many as you can grow, import, and sell each season?  Clever marketing pitch, but how stupid must we be to think that we’ll never see strawberries or tomatoes like these again after they’re gone?

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Well, they’ve finally done it.  After years of being gouged by billion-dollar oil companies on the price of gas, they’ve chosen a new product that we can’t live without to pillage us on.  Yes, the fine people at Shell (and some others too), have decided to now charge us for AIR.  You know, OXYGEN, the element we all depend on to breathe and survive.  I’m sure the argument is that it’s to offset the price of operating their little machine, but come on now.  So the next time you have a flat tire, or feel that the air you’re breathing around you at the car-exhaust-laden refueling station isn’t clean enough for you to ingest, you’ll have to pony up 50¢ to get your fill, taxes included.

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Attention Wal-Mart shoppers:  have you noticed yourself become to fat to fit your pants from eating at our in-store McDonald’s too often, but don’t want to buy new pants based purely on pride?  Your days of living in shame are over — pick up the Perfect Button beside the check-out aisle, and EXTEND THE WAIST OF YOUR PANTS to quench your blood-flow-restricting issue.

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I don’t know about you, but if I was a kid who was having academic trouble in school, and could benefit from the assistance of a tutor, I can’t imagine that Kumon, the one whose name looks like it’s pronounced like “c’mon“, as in “c’mon, idiot, why don’t you get this, it’s easy“, and features a confused happy-face-like caricature as it’s logo, would be at the top of my list as comfortable choices.  These kids are probably not exactly swimming in self-confidence already; is this really what you want to call your business?

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I mean, why even put this sign up in the first place?  You’re better than that, Future Shop.

 

 

 

 

Stuff That Sucks 4: FAIL Edition. Fake Grass, Creme Eggs, Twitter, and Fat-Cats

July 19, 2010 6 comments

 

So in an effort to lighten the mood around here after recent events,  I’m returning to my blogging roots, and  presenting you with some moderately humorous pictures and observational commentary on said pictorials, in hopes of getting a few snickers out of you (the laughter, not the chocolate bars.  Unless you feel like sending those too).  Without further adieu, the 4th installment of “Stuff that Sucks” is here, with a special FAIL edition! {editors note: I’m not in anyway affiliated with FAILblog, though I find it hilarious.  I’m too lazy to send these in to them, and I doubt they’d post them anyways}

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So Syn-Lawn and other artificial turf installation companies have come out with a product that eliminates the need to water, cut, or generally maintain a lawn.  Great for the lazy guy– until they discover that weeds have adapted to their attempted extinction, and found a way to grow right through their imitated sworn enemy.  Um, refund, anyone??

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 Cadbury Creme Eggs are hands down the greatest Easter chocolate product on the market.  There isn’t a bunny, marshmallow chocolate, or any other cocoa contender for this title.  I recently found out a friend of mine from high school became a Cadbury Rep since high school, and when I met up with her, she gave me a whole pile of my coveted treats.  So as excited as I was to bite into the current Creme Egg I had corralled into my possession, I was equally deflated when I bit into it — only to discover IT WAS FREAKING EMPTY.

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Ok Twitter, so you’ve got nearly 200 million people “tweeting” through you every month.  You’re sweeping the nation.  You’ve found your way into popular culture vocabulary.  Can you please freaking figure out how to keep yourself open already???  How does a site with this amount of fanfare and popularity have such incompetence at its helm?

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When the top of your couch, futon or other living room sitting aparatus goes from parallel with the floor to a modified “U” -shape from your cat sitting on top of it, it’s probably time for kitty to cut back on the Whiskas Temptations.  My friend Jeff‘s cat, Harley (pictured) doesn’t seem to mind so much.

Stuff That Sucks 3: Smoking on Airplanes for Dummies, and Front-Desk Bell Ringer Roulette.

January 11, 2010 2 comments

Amongst my recent travels, I found a few more pictures that have to be seen to be believed.

First, upon entry into the airplane’s secret mini-world known as its bathroom, I noticed some signage that seemed fairly contradictory and absurd. Now, In case you haven’t been on a plane since 1965, you should be made aware that you’re no longer allowed to smoke cigarettes on them. Apparently, I’ve heard, there was a time where this was commonplace; but this is afterall, 2010, and sorry smokers, but, it’s over. In fact, it’s been over for a long time.

If you have taken a plane anytime over the last 40 years, you may have seen the illuminated cigarette crossed out with a large red “X” that never becomes un-illuminated above your head, beside the “fasten seatbelt” sign that does frequently change illumination (so you can be assured there isn’t an electrical issue with either sign).

You may also have picked up on the flight attendants mentioning that you’re not allowed to smoke, in case you’re… blind. If you are blind, there’s even Braille for you (but then again, if you’re blind, you’re not even reading this are you, unless there’s an insurance agency that you’ve been scamming for quite sometime. Not sure why I’m writing a sidebar for blind-folks; seems like a waste of time… I digress).

Between any of these informative outlets, surely you picked up on the notification of the large fine that accompanies smoking on the plane, or tampering with the smoke detectors. So just so we’re all clear, smoking is frowned upon in planes. Everyone on the same page?

So as I was saying, I went to use the airplane washroom, and on the inside of the door, the following is posted: One last reminder that smoking is not allowed, and then, right below it, AN ASHTRAY. Not a garbage can, wastebasket, or any non-cigarette affiliated disposal unit; a little pull-out box made specifically for cigarettes to be snuffed out in. There’s even a nice little picture that shows you what to do, in case ashtrays were a little too advanced for your mental comprehension.

Why do we continue to enable the stupidity that we fight so hard against by instilling laws, fines, and warnings for breaking the rules that we set?

Also, while you’re on the can having a smoke, you can ring the bell and have the flight attendant bring you a drink, or perhaps a light.

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Everyone who works for a place that has a bell at its front desk hates that bell. The look you get from the staff that comes to help you after you ring their bell should be proof enough of this point. They would much rather shine that bell up real nice, turn it sideways, and show you a new place to put it that isn’t on their desk, and will be much more uncomfortable for you.

In turn, as a customer of a place with a bell, don’t we just love to ring the bell? Most people will give a moderate one ring strike, knowing full well of the rage the sound is tempting. Others will play a modified drum solo on them, and roll the dice on their lifespan with every tone.

So don’t mind me while I doubt the inviting sincerity of the sign that says “Please Ring Bell for Service”, and the fake-happy “How may I help you?” that accompanies it. Let’s just all be honest with each other; most people don’t like the bell, and the ones that do shouldn’t be allowed to play with them in the first place. Can we think of a better system?

Stuff That Sucks 2: More Pictures Worth 500 Words.

November 13, 2009 Leave a comment
acme final

customerus stupidus

I was in the Safeway on the corner of Richter and Bernard in Kelowna the other day when I noticed, conspicuously placed on the bottom of the doors was the above sticker, notifying those who saw it that the store was being monitored by  Acme Protection Systems, Ltd.  My immediate thought was, of course, HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM WILE E COYOTE? Why do people continue to buy products from people dumb enough to name their company after people who supplied a cartoon Coyote with ineffective, often defective, and always deadly products for catching a roadrunner?  Why would you, as a business owner who could choose any name in the world, want that stigma attached to your products?  Is it worth the nostalgic reference?  I can just hear the Safeway manager saying to himself, “You know, the company I want to trust the millions of dollars worth of product and property in this store can only be safe in a company called Acme.  That makes sense to me.  Let me get my name on this contract right away.

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The Marketplace IGA in Glenmore recently supplied me with evidence of the

102220091743

the final showdown.

engagement of one of most epic battles of our time.  Yes folks, the people at General Mills have taken their flagship product of Cheerios into head-on warfare with Toucan Sam and his mighty Froot Loops.  Apparently, the Honey-Nut, Multi-Grain, Frosted, Apple Cinnamon, Yogurt Burst, Berry Burst, Oat Cluster Crunch, and Banana Nut Cheerios varieties have not been able to corner the market on the very lucrative colored-circle-shape-cereal gravy train that ever lovable/possibly high (have you noticed how much sniffing he does? Always following that nose of his…) tropical bird king of Kellogg’s has monopolized for so long.  Just you wait for the unauthorized biographies and movie rights from this one…

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washroom cups

thirsty?

Kelowna’s Capri Centre Mall recently supplied me with this gem in the men’s washroom.  Yes, you are seeing it right, there is a paper cup dispenser IN THIS VERY PUBLIC WASHROOM.  Apparently so many people were running in, cupping their hands under the tap, trying to corral a mouthful, that the big-wigs that make the big decisions around there decided to put a stop to the whole thing.  Instead of installing, say, a drinking fountain, this must have been the next logical cost-cutting step.  I knew there was some reason those guys were in charge…

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And last but clearly not least, Calgary’s Centennial Arenas, home of my sworn enemy Mt. Royal Cougars, has been working ever so diligently to install a new wheelchair ramp to improve the arena’s disabled accessibility.  At completion, the ramp will allow disabled spectators to enter the arena without having to navigate the stairs– they just have to figure out a way over the brick wall at the end of the ramp.

wheelchair ramp FAIL

Stuff that Sucks: Pictures Worth 500 Words.

September 28, 2009 6 comments

Are we still at the point, as people, that we must continue to put disclaimers like this on things?  Are there really091920091307 people who continue to put carnival tokens in parking meters, even though the tokens themselves usually cost a quarter a piece to purchase them from the amusement park?  Are folks travelling to countries where their home country’s currency is more valuable than the visited country, collecting the coins, bringing them back, and attempting to save a few pennies by depositing the coins in the meter that most closely resemble their domestic coins?  Is someone tying a string to a coin, dropping it in for the credit, and then pulling it out again (technically, this wouldn’t be a violation of the warning, as long as a valid coin was used)?  100 Scandia tokens say that all of the above are indeed continuing to take place, somewhere.

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No manufacturer, retailer, distributor, sales office, middle-man, factory outlet, or online store continues to sell products that end up as garbage than the company known as Nexxtech.  Primarily an electronics brand, their junk is sold out of The Source by Circuit City (the former RadioShack), usually in locales of convenience like a mall thatnexxtech feature no other electronic outlets for you to “shop around” for competing products and prices.  I’ve been burned on enough products now to know that the amount you do save on their abnormally low product prices just does not justify the means that becomes seeing your purchase break down and decide to no longer operate juuuuust as the warranty expires.  Your broken hunk of crap usually ends up trash down at the bottom of the can by the receipt you forgot to keep anyways.

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I found this advertisement in a recent edition of Popular Mechanics.  I promise you, I have not altered it in any way.092220091441

So the guys are sitting around board room at FNH Firearms, trying to come up with their latest advertising campaign.  They eventually decide that the demographic they want to capture the attention of is the mobster/shady back-room deal crowd that features people hiding guns in their desk drawer, and/or the freshly inked suicide note at the desk and about to end it all people.  I guess, besides rappers, criminals and people killing themselves, who else is carrying handguns?  And which of these aforementioned parties are actually purchasing these guns legally?

This motion is APPROVED by company.  They then PAY MONEY to see it ran in print.  Magazines such as Popular Mechanics (I only saw it in their magazine, so far) that have been successful for many years, and can probably pass on a few advertising campaigns and still make money, also make the conscious decision that this is the ad they want featured in their magazine.

Really, guys???

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