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“Aces and Asses,” Volume 2. The Stupendous and the Stupid.

August 20, 2009 2 comments

 

Welcome to the second edition of the column that takes a closer examination of the stupendous and the just plain stupid that I’ve seen, heard of, or witnessed lately. 

Let’s get right to the Asses category.  Whilst slowly driving home from work through rush hour today, in the far right lane of a three lane highway, I noticed an East-Indian woman walking on the sidewalk.  She wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, just walking on her way.  As we crept up to the traffic light around 20 km/h or less, we overtook a late 80’s, primer gray Dodge pickup.  The ass-ish part is this: the Caucasian jackass riding shotgun in his buddy’s work truck decided it would be hilarious to imitate an East-Indian accent, and mockingly speak to this lady, who had done absolutely nothing to provoke such a racially slurred exhibition.  You can use your imagination as to what it was said, but it was somewhere in the ballpark of a crude Apu from the Kwik-E-Mart impression.  With any luck, the lady may have been out of earshot.  She, at least, did not qualify the volley.  It’s really hard to believe that as far as we have come as a society in terms of racial sensitivity, there are still people who just don’t get that things like this aren’t acceptable anymore (not that is was actually ever acceptable per se, more just common practice, albeit ignorant and still racist) and/or just refuse to make any changes in their thought process in lieu of just entertaining themselves with disrespectful, vulgar remarks. 

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Coming in as this instalment’s Ace, is “Insane” Usain “Lightning” Bolt (can a person have two nicknames like this?).  With newly acquired world records of 9.58 seconds in the 100 m sprint and 19.19 seconds for the 200 m sprint, this guy is the fastest man on the planet.  He’s also destroying all conventional schools of thought that say a person of his size should be running like an elephant.  In response, he seemingly effortlessly gallops like a gazelle, and obliterates world records.  And he does it with a smile on his face.  And he’s entertaining to watch, and he makes people actually want to look in their TV guide to see when track meets are on.  AND he’s (currently) drug free.  What track star has been able to make all of these claims at the same time in the last 10 years?  Ben Johnson didn’t exactly leave a positive impression on the running world, Donovan Bailey was cool (especially when embarrassed Michael Johnson at a 1997 150 m “World’s Fastest Man” showdown in Toronto), but he didn’t have staying power, and there have been a few American runners who set records in the last few years, but frankly no one cared about.  Bolt’s got all the makings an athlete that should be a star for a long time.  As long as he keeps not failing doping tests, he’s an Ace In my book.     

In a Canada vs. USA showdown, Bailey obliterates Johnson in '97, as the American pulled up lame.

In a Canada vs. USA showdown, Bailey obliterates Johnson in '97, as the American pulled up lame.

Bolt rules the running world.

Bolt rules the running world.

Scooters, Televised Radio, and The Senior Ski Pole Scam.

August 20, 2009 3 comments

If there’s one ongoing bother I have, it’s gotta be people walking around the streets with ski poles, trying to get in shape.  I mean, ski poles?  Is this all we could come up with as the next phase in physical fitness?  Aren’t these devices generally reserved for precision steering and turning in DOWNHILL skiing?  Did walking a straight line and semi-incline really get that tough all of a sudden?  What gets me is that someone is making a truckload off people’s stupidity that has led them to buy into the theory that these sticks are gonna help them reach their fitness goals, and that that truckload is in no way affiliated with me.  Also, the largest consumer demographic for this product seems to be old people, and by this phase in their lives, they should be able to spot a scam when they see one.  But that’s just my opinion.

one of these things is not like the other...

one of these things is not like the other...

 In other news, who is it that thinks renting scooters is so cool?  Why in the world would i want to get out of my car that has at least 100 hp, to pay $50 to ride on a vehicle that can only travel the dollar amount i’ve paid km/h?  They’re slow, you look just ridiculous on the road; overall, i don’t know why people are doing this to themselves for an afternoon.  I mean fine, if you’ve chosen to scoot as a economic and environmental choice, ok.  You’ve obviously come to terms with what society is thinking of you as you putter on by.  But especially the ones who i see on the road all the time by themselves not with anyone, I mean, lets be honest, you’re not impressing anyone and you’re embarassing yourself.  Hey, dems da breaks. 
 scooter

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Let me tell you about televised talk radio.  It’s on sportsnet from time to time, and believe me, that’s more than enough.  Why in the world would anyone want to watch radio?  If I wanted to listen to their radio show, i would listen ON the RADIO.  At least then I could pretend that these people look better than they actually do; I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the perceived view I always have of a radio show host from their voice always disappoints me greatly when I see what they look like in real life.  And this becomes ever so more apparent when I see these  slobs on TV.  This one guy, seriously looks like he just got up and didn’t even bother to dress himself properly for the show; like he’s used to not having the world see what a slug he is.  This guy, i’m telling you…hair’s everywhere, didn’t bother to comb it, dark glasses so no one can see his hangover eye-bags, grubby old, baggy coffee stained zip up sweater, and I can’t confirm he was even wearing pants.  I mean come on, is this actually entertaining to anyone to the point that they would sit down and watch this blockhead talk about his ludacrous sports opinions?  I used to work at a job where I drove a delivery truck which only had A.M. radio, and the most interesting show on the RAD-I-O was the very same syndicated Fan Radio Sports talk show.  It’s much better heard in its intended format.   

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I also got beef with people who want you to do something, but just tell you to do it, “if you want.” This bothers me.  If you would like me to do something, why don’t you just ask?  In truth, I probably don’t “want” to do it at all, as i’ve obviously not done it on my own initiative so far.  What in the world has brought you to the conclusion that i would suddenly “want” to do it at the hint of your suggestion?

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I have a feeling that the same way that my parents grew up on Led Zepplin and were chastized by their parents at the time for listening to “terrible” music, is the same way how my parents ridiculed me for listening to rap in the house, and i’ll probably be 40 or 50 years old pumpin’ Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg when no one’s looking.  Funny how things like rock and roll and rap were once persecuted by society one day, and eventually accepted and enveloped into culture the next.  I really really hope that emo isn’t next.

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