Home > Humor, Query, Random/Rants > Math For Millions, Monopoly, Kelowna Cul-dEASE-Sac’s, Jay-Walkers, and Jail.

Math For Millions, Monopoly, Kelowna Cul-dEASE-Sac’s, Jay-Walkers, and Jail.

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you for so long.  My excuse is that it’s been Christmas holidays, and now my wife and I are on vacation in Phoenix, Arizona visiting Justin Bourne (writer for the USA Today, Hockey News, and his own blog www.jtbourne.com), and his awesome fiance Brianna; where we have been stealing citrus tree fruit in large amounts(freshly stolen picked organic oranges, grapefruits, and lemons are incredible),  avoiding responsibility, and generally enjoying not being cold. 

 I also played the first game of Monopoly I’ve ever completed, and won (if you follow me on Twitter, my collected bounty was the right to abuse Bourne’s Re-tweets).  I then subsequently completed my second game the next night.  And lost.  Monopoly’s insane.  I bet you’ve walked away from more games than you’ve finished too.

Anyways, Happy New Year! Lets get on with the non-sense already… 

Is it really fair to require lottery winners to answer a skill testing question correctly in order to claim their winnings? Sure, anyone with a high-school math education SHOULD be able to answer them, but don’t you feel bad for the guy that matches all the numbers for a few million dollars, pencils in his answer, and then has his prize rejected because he got the question wrong? Or the lady who has been poor her whole life, scraped together her nickels and dimes to purchase a ticket, wins the big one, could set her and her whole family free of debt, and muffs the math question because she failed to recollect BEDMAS (Brackets, E… uh, oh) from her secondary school education 50 years ago? Are we really only allowing (moderately) intelligent people to win money? Smells like a discrimination lawsuit to me. 

Yeah, you did win, but as a result of this test, we don’t believe you are mentally capable of possessing this amount of money…” 

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Traffic circles have irked me for a long time. I hate them. They have no place in our cities. Sure they increase traffic flow, cause less accidents (except when they’re built too narrow, and a semi-truck approaches the first corner), and generally have nice potted flowers in the middle. But they just look so stupid. Who are we kidding; they’re Cul-de-Sac’s with multiple entry and exit points. Everyone knows Cul-de-Sac’s have one-and-the-same entry and exit, and only go at the end of small residential streets. Somehow, they are continuing to multiply in our cities. At last count, Kelowna was housing around 5 that I’ve seen. Something needs to be done, and quick.  Stop being so Euro, us! 

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Speaking of traffic violations, Jay-walkers. Hey guys, look, I’m one of you. I get crazy too some days, feel like breaking the law, and cross the street at un-marked areas frequently. I did it about 6 times this afternoon. But can I get a little hustle out of the rest of you? Even just swooshing your arms at an elevated speed to create the illusion that you’re running? You’re not on the white-dashed lines, we’ve established that, so you’re technically fair game out there. The audacity of the strolling jay-walker; casually, nonchalant, actually staring down a driver who has selflessly slowed down for this borderline community service candidate is absolutely mesmerizing. Don’t be a halfway jay-walker either. You’re either in or you’re out. You have no business floating on the yellow line waiting for the other side to grant you an opening. You gotta find a full street-width opening, and get ‘er goin. You simply cannot expect anyone to stop for you; treat it like it’s life and death (would you give me serious injury?). The only exception to this is the bumper to bumper traffic jam, in which the road has become similar to a parking lot. Frogger methodology may be invoked at the Jay-walker’s discretion in this scenario. 

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I don’t believe I could get drugs if I tried. I’d be terrified to even attempt it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not requesting them here; I’m just stating my inability to acquire them. People are doing them, all over the place. Smuggling, trafficking, drugs are certainly present pretty much everywhere. My home province is well known for them. Rappers rhyme about them, and I know people who have done them. But I’m now so far removed from those people, and utterly frightened to run into an undercover cop, be mauled by a drug sniffing dog, be caught on camera, and every other thing that would lead to a criminal record, jail time, and/or having my freedom to travel internationally revoked; that I shudder at the sheer schematics of me even endeavouring in obtaining them. That plus, I don’t need or want them for any reason. Please don’t offer me drugs.

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  1. ryley
    January 6, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Totally agree on the jay-walkers. It almost seems like so people are trying to prove to themseleves that they are either to cool or too tough to hurry there slow ***’s across the road.
    And I had to laugh at the drug part “please don’t offer me drugs”

    • January 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm

      I think I may hit the next jay-walker who stares me down while he saunters. I don’t even think I’d get in trouble for it. I can’t prove that though.

      Always glad to get a chuckle out of you!

  2. ryley
    January 10, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    It might be worth a try to see if you’d get a ticket hitting a jay walker. Interesting experiment

    • January 10, 2010 at 8:34 pm

      It would be a very interesting experiment, yielding results I’d like to learn. Let me know when you’ve completed it for all of us.

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