Home > Sports > Look Soccer, We Have to Talk….

Look Soccer, We Have to Talk….

Look soccer, I tried.  I tried really hard to like you, and to even fall for you.  On your grandest stage of all, the World Cup, I’ve kept up to date on highlights, tried to get a feel for who’s good and who’s not, forced myself to watch “The Footy Show”, and in the end, I hate to break it to you but….I’m just not that into you. 

I’ll stand by my earlier claims that I respect the abilities of the top players in the game, and thoroughly enjoy playing the game; but as far as sitting at home at watching on TV, I’m going to have to pass. 

I feel like this point has been beaten to death over the years, but you guys gotta score more goals.  Scoring = excitement in all sports, 100% of the time.  I can’t pretend to be riveted to the action of another “nil-nil” scoreless draw.  As I’ve previously iterated, Your game features THE BIGGEST NET IN SPORTS, so someone fill that net already, especially in a tournament that allows you to pick up extra points in the standings for your team’s “Goals For”, in addition to wins, losses, and draws.  Oh yeah, by the way, points for a tie?  Isn’t this the playoffs?  There are no ties allowed in the playoffs of any sport, I thought this was unilaterally understood.  Someone win the freaking game already, you only get to compete every 4 years in this tournament, so go make your mark, don’t just be happy to be there.

And can someone please tell us, definitively, how much time is actually left in the game? 90 minutes is clearly not 90 minutes.  I think the whole injury time thing is a good idea; recouping all the time the divers have wasted, plus the legitimate stoppages.  But why does the referee have to keep this seemingly arbitrary number of game extension time so secret?  Why can’t it be displayed on the clock with the rest of the time; or even better, why can’t you just stop the clock all together for said stoppages??

It’s possible that because Canada sucks at soccer didn’t qualify for the tournament nor will they ever, I am less enthused about the whole event.  On a side note though, I heard you’ve been screwing the American team, so you’ve got that going for you; keep it up, you’ll win Canadians over yet.  After spending a year in South Korea, I’ve found myself rooting for them a bit; also for the home South Africans because of friends we have there, and for the old standby’s of Brazil, Italy, and England.  Wasn’t France supposed to be good too?  But after a while, you realize there’s like a bazillion teams (well, 32) competing, and that just seems like such an obtuse number of squads competing at once.  Can’t you just narrow down the field a bit more before calling the tournament?  I mean, you’ve had 4 years to whittle down the numbers, it’s not like you were short on time or anything…   

I feel like comparing your game to China; in that we’ve been hearing for years now that China is going to take over the world in all aspects, and we’d all better learn to speak Chinese or we’ll all be screwed and have no future.  I’ve been hearing how soccer is the most popular sport in the world (probably true, in the global sense) and how it’s eventually going to be all the rave in North America.  Well, bad news for both hopefuls – I’m getting tired of waiting, and the language I’ve been speaking and the sports I’ve been playing all my life seem just fine they way they are (If China wins the World Cup, I’ll sign up for Mandarin classes).

I’ll give you one thing though, I DO like those vuvuzelas.  Seriously, I think they’re great.  I’m not sure if they’re an African thing or not, but if they are, no one should be saying a thing about banning them.  If that’s a cultural thing, let it be.  They sing during games in Europe, let them blow horns in Africa; why is this worth so many people getting angry about, and people having to invent software to edit them out of broadcasts?  I think it adds a unique flavour to the tournament.

I resolve to continue to be a casual soccer fan.  I’ll probably watch the final, and the odd highlight package, but don’t expect much more from me.  Unless they give all the players sticks.  And they let the players bodycheck.  And they pour water on the field and freeze it.  When those things happen, let me know, and we’ll talk.  Until then…..

  1. June 23, 2010 at 8:27 am

    I’ve been totally seduced by world cup soccer, for the first time in my life. I’ve been a very casual fan until now. I’m loving it. What I don’t love is how the players get (cough) “injured” so badly that they’re rolling around like they’re at death’s door. Then they jump back up and play like nothing happened. They just need to have a few good fights in the corner and man-up.

    • June 23, 2010 at 10:29 pm

      Nothing like a good soccer dive to turn a real purist sports fan right off of the game entirely.

  2. ryley
    June 23, 2010 at 10:39 am

    I don’t have too much of a problem watching soccer. But the diving is just so ridiculous. Its funny and just exhausting at the same time

    • June 23, 2010 at 10:30 pm

      Funny thing is, all the divers know we know they’re diving, and know we hate them for it, but the refs keep calling them yellow cards, and they’ll forever get away with it. It’s a vicious circle.

  3. ryley
    June 23, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    Its so frustrating because it seems like soccer is one of the only sports that seems to practice the art of diving you know. There’s definatley guilty ppl in all sports but soccer it just seems all across the board that every player has that embelishing card in his back pocket that he’s just waiting to play

    • June 24, 2010 at 4:44 pm

      I think the Dan Carcillo’s and Mike Riberio’s of the sports world have been taking notice and applying it to their game as well. Unfortunately, if it’s done right, it’s effective in drawing penalties and giving your team an advantage. BUT of course, everyone hates you forever when they figure out what you’re doing.

  4. ryley
    June 24, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Hey stunning. Dunno where else to ask this on the site but have you ever heard of the cartoon M.A.S.K. ?

    • June 24, 2010 at 4:44 pm

      I have heard of it… I remember some old toys and lunch boxes and stuff, but I’m not sure if I ever saw it. I think it might have been good….

  5. ryley
    June 25, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Haha k just wondering. One of my fav cartoons all time. Seein if you knew about it

  6. bgraves
    July 2, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Mr. Cunning,

    I remind you that soccer also has the largest field of any sport excluding Aussie rules football and they are using their feet only…thus the reason for the low scores. I have been hooked on international soccer since the last World Cup even though we (The USA) sucked royally there and in this one too. Sure we made it out of group play, but jeez… 32 teams is more than fair considering how many countries there are in the world. 6 different world zones with many countries each…I think 32 is about right. Round Robin group play where top 2 move on makes sense and then the knock out rounds. Anyway, yeah diving is annoying, cards have been given though for diving (though not enough) I rooted for SK and SA as well.

    • July 2, 2010 at 8:14 pm

      I do have to give the Americans their credit for making it farther this time around than anyone would’ve given them any hope of doing. So, go you guys…

      So do you think that making the field smaller would be a reasonable adjustment to increase offensive productivity? That and, of course, video replay, which FIFA just admitted might be a good idea…

  7. BGraves
    July 3, 2010 at 1:50 am

    Field smaller, no. But then I don’t mind the nil-nil games that much. Video replay, only for goals nothing more. England scored a goal they were robbed of and that is an instance where replay would have been good to have.

  8. ryley
    July 6, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    So then if I may ask. What was your point about the field size?

    • July 6, 2010 at 9:52 pm

      I don’t know that I had a point, but maybe just a theory that perhaps maybe with a smaller field size may come more frequent action/scoring, just because it forces the play together, theoretically resulting in increased pressure on the ball carrier to make quicker plays.

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