Archive

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Bieber & The Pop Star Perversion, An Ugg-Lee Merger, the Daylight Savings Time Deficiency, American Politics, Daytime calls, Allen Keys Annoyance, & the JW Halloween Costume Loophole.

November 7, 2010 4 comments

This daylight savings time thing really should be all all-or-none effort; it really makes next to no sense for only some provinces, states and cities to do it.  The city of Creston BC (where I played junior hockey) and the entire province of Saskatchewan (where I got my degree, played college hockey, met my wife, etc) don’t participate, why should the rest of us have to have it dark at 4:30 pm?

*********************

The ratio of which American media talks about, prep for, & pre/post analyze polls, to the time they spend actually voting is extremely lopsided towards the former.  Immediately following whatever that mid-term election stuff was, there was already Obama vs Palin polls being taken for a potential 2012 presidential showdown (with Obama winning handily), instead of interest in what the newly elected governors/senate or whatever were going to accomplish.  Can somebody please focus on the present?  Did Jon Stewart Rally For Sanity in vain?? 

The ratio of which American politicians campaign/slander their opponents in commercials to the time they spend doing actual work is about of the same ratio.  Those TV commercials seem to be more about how bad the opponent is and what a horrible job they’ve done, and rarely mention anything about what the prospective candidate is going to do better.  What have we learned? Slander > function?

*********************

Please go away, and don't come back. Cut your hair, and take your teeny bopper girl scout troop with you. Also, leave all your money.

I don’t even know who Justin Bieber is. What I DO know is that I can’t stand him. I hope the “Bieber Bus” somehow ends up in a fiery car wreck along with every Smart car ever produced, all at the same time. No casualties, of course, except for the vehicles.  And Bieber.  Okay, I do know who he is, and I’ll have to give the little …. guy some credit, he can sing.  It’s just the media over-hype/commercialization, and the screaming pre-teen girls that make me want to blow up my TV and stab myself in the ears when I hear that name.  I can’t wait until puberty kicks in, the voice cracks, and this whole charade comes to a grinding halt…

My wife raised an interesting point the other day about the Rihanna-Eminem collaborated songs “Love The Way You Lie” parts 1 & 2, to the tune of whether or not it’s appropriate for Rihanna to sing a song about domestic violence after the whole Chris Brown-domestically-violencing-her incident.  The duet is an interesting juxtaposition, because on the other hand you also have Eminem and his storied domestic dispute history with wife/ex-wife/wife/ex-wife Kim; and how his lyrics have never known any limits in regards to appropriation and are very purposefully presented that way; not all that different than the way Marilyn Manson was hung by the media for in the 90’s.

So then the question becomes, what is the the line between musical artists creating intelligent, insightful music and them creating for pure shock value, creating controversy just to get people talking and to sell records?  Interesting how you usually hear all the hubub right around when one of their albums is about to be released, isn’t it?  And further, as most of us would (at least morally) disagree with the commercialization of young, girl musical artists dressing scantily and singing sexually provocative lyrics (not even written by the artist),  who then is more skanky, the lip-syncing pop star, or the record producer endorsing promoting the act to even younger kids with the sole intention of turning a profit?

*********************

If Ugg boots and Lee jeans merged, you’ve have an aptly named product.  Wordplay, FTW.  Imagine an ugly looking pair of boots sewn onto the bottoms of a low grade pair of jeans creating a one-piece waist-to-toe garment.  You’re welcome, upcoming spring fashion.

*********************

If you’re a telemarketer, or anyone who works for an over-the-phone annoyance business, why are you phoning homes in the middle of the day?  You’re obviously targeting the unemployed, because they’re the only people that would be home during the day while everyone else is working; yet if they’re not employed, they probably can’t afford whatever it is that you’re peddling.  Seems counterproductive, no?  Further, the callers that come equipped with background info (know your address, and other info) and probably even know that you do work during the day; that seems like a complete waste of a call seeing as though you’re almost definitely not home, and even if someone was home, the people that the homeowner would actually want to talk to would  know they’d be out at that time of the day and wouldn’t be calling, so there’s no way it’s someone they’d actually want to talk to,  and thusly it would not be worth the risk of answering a day-time phone call without caller ID or if they didn’t recognize the number.

*********************

There should be a law against manufacturing mechanical parts that require Allen/Hex keys.  If you’re working on a project in your garage/workshop, or wherever, and you encounter that one pivotal screw that requires that oddball L-shaped disgrace tool to remove it, you immediately curse its inventors, and wonder why making the screw fit a Phillips, Robertson, or any other conventional tool was just too much to ask.

*********************

I wonder how many actual Jehovah Witnesses were knocking on doors on Halloween? Seems like a good night to get more than 2 seconds of people’s attention; as you tell the person at the house you’re not actually dressed up, it’s how you dress every day, that you don’t want candy but would like to come in and talk, and then…. SLAM.

Consequently, I’d be willing to bet anyone who dressed up as a Jehovah Witness for Halloween and attempted to trick or treat probably didn’t receive one single piece of candy from anyone.  In fact, I might even bet that the whole Halloween needles-in-apples scandal was probably based on one Jehovah Witness-trick or treat incident.  Thanks guys, thanks a lot.  Stop bothering people.  And if someone does let you into their home, don’t take that as an open invitation for infinite visits.

Tiger & Kovy Conspiracy Theories; Twilight, and Other Things That Should Extinct Themselves.

August 29, 2010 4 comments

I recently formed a thought about Tiger Woods that even I believed to be rather absurd at first; but upon further review, began to doubt the craziness and saw some logic.  As we all know, Tiger was, undisputedly, the best golfer on the planet.  He got caught cheating on his wife, took a “break” from golf, only to come back, and absolutely suck.  His divorce is finalized, and all of a sudden, he starts playing well again.  Coincidence?  Is it possible that upon becoming fully aware that he was going to lose every dollar he was worth in a divorce settlement, that Tiger may have “took a dive” and purposely tanked his golf game along with his net worth in hopes of having less cash available for Elin to (deservingly) fleece out of every pocket he owns? 

******************

Now that the NHL has rejected the terms of Ilya Kovalchuk’s absurd contract with the New Jersey Devils a second time, and it has been found to be invalid by a third party as well, does anyone else wish that Ilya would just sign a reasonable contract, or just ship himself off to the KHL already?  If he wants to go play at home (not that I’ve heard he actually does) can we just let him go and get paid for 150 years in sacks of money with dollar signs on them by the mob bosses that run that league, complete with death threats upon lack of success?  Why do we all have to sit through an entire summer’s length of discussion on where this over hyped/paid/acting and underachieving player is going to end up?  If he had a few Cups under his belt, I could see this conversation being more relevant, but what’s Kovy done for anyone latel…errmm…. ever??

******************

ARE ALL THE TEENY BOPPERS OVER THE STUPID TWILIGHT VAMPIRE CRAP YET???  If not, please pick up the pace.  When I saw the ads for the new movie, “Vampires Suck”, I immediately thought to myself, “Finally!   A movie that portrays every exact feeling I have about this Twilight travesty phenomenon.”  Unfortunately for the filmmakers, I’m not going to see it either.  But, nice goin’ fellas, thanks for doing that for me. 

I gave the original Twilight movie an honest shake at impressing me; my wife and I watched it at the height of its popularity without any foreknowledge of the plot besides that there were vampires in it.  Vampires were cool, so it wasn’t a big stretch, until… the freaking movie started.  From start to finish, it was just such a pile of garbage.  2 full hours of human existence that will never be returned to me with the refund discount coupons I deserve.  Poor writing, acting, lighting…. and just soooo incredibly cheesy.  I didn’t think it would be possible to think of vampires in less of a bad-ass light (keeping company with the Wolfman and Frankenstein bumps you up there), but they found a way to take ‘em down plenty of pegs.  The writers of the books/movies should do themselves a favor and buy all the garlic, stakes, and sunlight detergent out of the stores within a 1000 mile radius of their residences before an angry pitchfork wielding mob taps on their front door [too much? Maybe you’re right.  Ok, they don’t have to perish, just stop writing more books/movies, and apologize to us all for ruining vampires.  Now.].

******************

The movie, "Groundhog Day" was based on my life. I'm not even allowed to die!

Does it amaze anyone else out there that the Quail continues to survive extinction?  Have you ever seen a more suicidal bird?  One that purposely runs, not flies mind you, yes RUNS in front of your car at the last second, often with an entire family in tow?  Do maybe even the Quails realize how stupid they look with those dangling fish-bobbers bouncing around their heads, and try to put an end to their own species?  Are they perhaps the most ferocious gamblers of the animal kingdom; proposing and attempting death-defying stunts while others wait in the bushes while a bookie quail takes their bets?  Either way, I applaud them for making it this far, but methinks that Quails will be last-second street-crossing themselves the way of the Dodo before much longer.   

******************

Do you think the makers of Ed Hardy, Affliction, Tap-Out, and Christian Audiger even care that their brands are openly mocked by the public, and are only purchased and worn by the biggest (for lack of a more fitting term) douche-bags in any given city?  Or do you think they just sleep comfortably in their exorbitantly expensive homes paid for by every skull-clad shirt they’ve sold?  Yeah, I think the latter as well.

Wobbly Weights, the Intelligence of the Ice-Cream Man, and Theatre Dudes Look Like a Lady.

August 17, 2010 2 comments

Hello?  Anyone still here? 

2-time, 2 time!

Between the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp (by the by, I’m now a 2-time, and back to back VT Cup champ) and Okanagan Hockey School, the month of August becomes my one month a year in Kelowna of steady, dependable income.  It also requires me to work “all day” like apparently “everyone else” does.  Interestingly as it turns out, this approach sees me acquire more money, which I enjoy.  Consequently though, it means I go to bed at a “reasonable time”, and my normal midnight to 2am blogging block becomes voided, and thusly it is you, the reader who suffers.  I encourage you to write a letter to whoever it is that could get me out of this unwelcomed routine, and just pay me to sleep in and stay up late, in the interest of entertaining you better/at all.  So, um, yeah, call all your rich friends and tell them about this AWESOME blogger that you know that they should hand over all their money to in sacks with dollar signs on them; and might I add, chop-chop (hurry, that is).

 No one really likes (or so they always say) to toot their own horn, but if you will allow it (not that you have a choice, I’m the one writing after all), toot-toot!  At the inception of this blog last July, I had a whopping 228 reads that first month.  Now a year later, my last July’s read total came to 2,566.  Now, compared to other bloggers, this is probably still nowhere near their ballparks, but for me I’m going to count it a success.  And of course, I only have you to thank.  So, thanks for reading!!  I hope the trend continues, and that you’ll stick around for the long haul. 

******************

Alright, on with some non-sense….

Funny how everyone’s weigh scales, whether they are at home in the bathroom or at the gym, are apparently always wrong.  I mean, have you ever stepped on a scale that wasn’t yours that you hadn’t heard was out 5-10 pounds, or something like that?  “Oh, yeah no, if you use it on the carpet, it’ll be waaay off…”  I hate to sound harsh, but can we all just sober up and deal with the truth for a second…. YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT.  There, I said it.  Admitting the problem is the first step, right?  Now, we can all move on together, and figure out how to get the scale to read the number we want it to…

****************** 

Put a tie on already!

When I started dating my now-wife, she filled me in on some men’s fashion tips that I believe I benefited from: Match the belt with the shoes, don’t button up the bottom button on your suit jacket, etc.  But there’s one incredible faux-pas that even a fashion idiot like myself doesn’t need to be told not to perform.  Have you seen guys wearing suits that do up the top button on their shirt without wearing a tie?  If you’re a kid trying to fit-in at school and you roll up dressed like this, you might as well punch-a-size your own face, just voluntarily enter the locker, and lock it behind you; you’ve purchased a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Geektown. 

******************

That's not your mother, it's a MAN baby!

Why do dudes in theatre productions always have to wear caked-on eye-shadow and lipstick? Why can’t they just look like dudes on stage??  Why is it supposedly more believable or realistic that the men would be wearing girl faces while pretending to dance through a fictional life scenario on stage?  Don’t we want to differentiate the men FROM the women?  Are they going for some sort of non-partisan, inter-gender approach?

******************

The sooner we get the Bob Saget voice-over to the concluding statement, “…and that’s how I met your mother.” On the “hit” (so they say) show “How I Met Your Mother”, the better.  That show’s soooooooo over-rated.  Doogie Howser and the American Pie band-camp girl are just really not my cup of tea. 

******************

See you tomorrow, Junior!

The ice cream man drove down our block the other day playing a Christmas medley of songs instead of the traditional one it’s played for the past 50 years (“The Entertainer”, I believe?).  Apparently a focus group think-tank determined nothing moves popsicles into kids’ faces during the hot summer months like a Silent Night/Jingle Bells ice-cream truck remix.  Maybe there’s something to it – we’ll see if at Christmas I start craving popsicles for the following six months, and upon my first hearing of the chimes, whether I take out a small loan and buy the entire contents of the truck.  My brother used to buy so many popsicles when he was a kid that when the ice-cream man would come down our street, he would literally park outside our house playing the song until he came out.  I’ve heard other stories of people being followed down the street by ice-cream trucks.  The popsicle peddlers are a sneaky bunch; now that I think about it, maybe that idea isn’t so crazy/beyond them after all….

Stuff That Sucks 4: FAIL Edition. Fake Grass, Creme Eggs, Twitter, and Fat-Cats

July 19, 2010 6 comments

 

So in an effort to lighten the mood around here after recent events,  I’m returning to my blogging roots, and  presenting you with some moderately humorous pictures and observational commentary on said pictorials, in hopes of getting a few snickers out of you (the laughter, not the chocolate bars.  Unless you feel like sending those too).  Without further adieu, the 4th installment of “Stuff that Sucks” is here, with a special FAIL edition! {editors note: I’m not in anyway affiliated with FAILblog, though I find it hilarious.  I’m too lazy to send these in to them, and I doubt they’d post them anyways}

*********************

So Syn-Lawn and other artificial turf installation companies have come out with a product that eliminates the need to water, cut, or generally maintain a lawn.  Great for the lazy guy– until they discover that weeds have adapted to their attempted extinction, and found a way to grow right through their imitated sworn enemy.  Um, refund, anyone??

***********

 Cadbury Creme Eggs are hands down the greatest Easter chocolate product on the market.  There isn’t a bunny, marshmallow chocolate, or any other cocoa contender for this title.  I recently found out a friend of mine from high school became a Cadbury Rep since high school, and when I met up with her, she gave me a whole pile of my coveted treats.  So as excited as I was to bite into the current Creme Egg I had corralled into my possession, I was equally deflated when I bit into it — only to discover IT WAS FREAKING EMPTY.

***********

Ok Twitter, so you’ve got nearly 200 million people “tweeting” through you every month.  You’re sweeping the nation.  You’ve found your way into popular culture vocabulary.  Can you please freaking figure out how to keep yourself open already???  How does a site with this amount of fanfare and popularity have such incompetence at its helm?

***********

When the top of your couch, futon or other living room sitting aparatus goes from parallel with the floor to a modified “U” -shape from your cat sitting on top of it, it’s probably time for kitty to cut back on the Whiskas Temptations.  My friend Jeff‘s cat, Harley (pictured) doesn’t seem to mind so much.

Why Roberto Luongo is Like A Fax Machine, The Crustacean Job Crunch, and the European Style Excuse; amongst others.

June 2, 2010 4 comments

I’d like to take a moment to thank you folks, my loyal and/or re-routed from links on other websites’ audience.  Last month was again, an all-time high for reads, and marked the 10,000th read of this non-sense.  That’s a pretty low readership compared to other bloggers, but I think it’s pretty good for a guy who rattles off his random thoughts at 2 am 5 times a month.  It’s fun to see that people read this stuff, and voluntarily choose to come back again.  I’ve even had a few of you mention to me in person that you read and enjoy the blog, and that’s been pretty cool too.  So, thanks everyone!  I’ll do my best to continue to entertain you, (hopefully less often) stir up controversy, and generally thieve relatively unimportant moments of your life away from you that you’ll never get back 🙂

Alright, on with the show…

Mike Gillis tried to fax Luongo his termination, but got a busy signal. Oh well, only 11 more years...

 

Why on earth does faxing still exist?  It’s like laserdisc-like invention that we seemingly got too excited about too early, and then made waaaay too big of a commitment to.  It was a pretty revolutionary idea for its time, no question.  But by the time email rolled around and made it obsolete, every business in North America was still too proud that they had their shiny new fax numbers listed in the phone book, and weren’t willing to give them up.  And like the gasoline engine, or Robert Luongo’s 12-year strangling overpayment deal, we’re in too deep and/or just too proud to get out now.   

                                                  ****************************

After all man’s technological advancements and inventions, the power still goes out when it gets stormy. Can we solve that already?  We can broadcast a zillion useless channels to every TV on the planet, move ourselves with every form of transportation imaginable on and off the planet, and even create objects capable of leaving the solar system; but we can’t quite figure out how to keep the lights on when grey clouds roll in and it starts to rain.

                                                 ****************************

so, the iPad is basically just a big iPhone that doesn’t make calls? What do I need one of those for?  Of all the things I need to carry around that doesn’t fit in my pocket, is an oversized electronic rectangle one of them? 

Any iPad owners out there?  Are you happy with your purchase?  In 200 words or less, tell me why or why not, in the form of a comment. 

                                                 ****************************

We recently discovered water on the Moon & Mars, which we previously believed to be barren,  and found shrimp-like creatures living in frigid Antarctic  waters… Does anyone else get the feeling we don’t know as much about the universe as we thought we did?

How long until we start sending Honda Asimo’s to other planets to settle new civilizations?  And of course, how long until they become self-aware, and enslave the human race?

                                             ****************************

Are we done using the “it’s European” excuse to wear ridiculous things skinny jeans, faux-hawks, and man-purses  in North America yet?  Can we just let the Europeans be the Europeans already??  Have we still not learned anything from Seinfeld???

                                                  ****************************

It’s unfortunate that misogyny is a negative word. Everyone likes massages, don’t they?

                                                ****************************

Girls that have been told they look like their dad, or their brother, or some other male, probably shouldn’t get boy haircuts, right?

                                              ****************************

Do you think the job market is as tough for crustaceans and other sea life as it is for humans?  Example: the Alaskan Pollock fish that are masquerading around as crab and being sold as imitation crab meat, just because they’re lower in cholesterol and cheaper; do you think they’re putting hard working real crabs out of work?  Yeah me neither.  The crabs are probably pretty pumped about not being swiped out of their existence and being boiled to death, I’d say.

Lingering Legalization, Uber-Donkulous Advertisements, and The Folgers Fascade.

March 31, 2010 6 comments

At least all he has to do today is eat, sleep, poop, and sniff butts. You got nothing better than that going on?

If “the best part of (you) waking up is (really) Folgers in your cup”, then you’ve got a real problem, and you should probably look into a form of rehabilitation.  You’re telling me you have nothing better to look forward to in the next pending 24 hours than a stupid cup of coffee?  There’s more to life, man…

                                                                                           *************************

It’s amazing that stoners masquerading around as medical marijuana lobbyists (the fake ones I mean, don’t email me about your serious condition that requires it, I get it) really think that our governments are going to someday give into their supposed logical arguments of federal revenue from its taxation, and just let them all get high anytime they feel like it.  Give it up already, it’s over.  The Marijuana Party will never have a majority or minority government.  It’s never going to be legal for you to be higher than or equal to Snoop Dogg with arthritis on a Scandanavian vacation.  If even California vetoes it, it’s time to move on, munchie-mongrels. 

                                                                                           *************************   

My wife has a hair product called “Frizz-Ease”.  Women, you really want to exchange money for a product, and willingly put something on your head that rhymes with disease?  Really?  Is it boggling at all to anyone else that people sit around in meetings, agree, and approve as a group, names like this as good ideas to sell their products?  I suppose no more boggling than the consumers who bite on their advertisements.

                                                *************************

I’m officially done hearing, and I would like everyone else to officially stop saying, “uber” in reference to adjective enchancement.  Also, “re-donk-ulous”, an inflated version of ridiculous; apparently so atrocious, it’s been blended with a donkey.  It got a few laughs, but it’s time to call it.  Everyone on board?  Cool.  Good talk. 

                                                                                           *************************

Do you think the people at Pro-Activ (you know, the people that promise to give you back your lost self-esteem and sense of self-worth after their acne products clear up your mangled skin) are equal opportunity employers?  Do you think an adequately or over-qualified individual who happened to have visible acne would be hired on equal grounds as a person without acne?  I think the people with acne should be hired ahead actually, on the grounds to be used as before and after examples.  If it really works, these people should be clear as day when they’re done their cycle.  Not like bodybuilders pushing the latest creatine or protein supplement, crediting that substance for all the muscles they had far before they started using the stuff.    

Serenity Now!!

Idle Disney Threats, Guess-timates, a Breakfast Bluff, and the Entertainment Tonight Tractor-Beam.

March 7, 2010 5 comments

Here’s what’s been additionally on my mind, while my brain was auto-pilot Olympic blogging…

Isn’t it unfortunate that anyone who is within eyeshot of another human being simply cannot run anywhere, at any speed, without one of those human beings yelling, “Run Forrest, Run!” at them?  You know you do it too, or at least think it, every time. 

Also from the Forrest Gump world, you know that crap about, “Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get”?  Well, unless you haven’t eaten a box of chocolates since 1805, all you have to do is just look at the insert map included with the chocolates to see exactly what you’re going to get.  Come on, idiots.  By the way, orange or strawberry crème filled chocolates are the best.  Also, white chocolate. 

                                       ***************************

Ever accidentally started watching Entertainment Tonight while flipping channels, and tried to change the channel?  It’s nearly impossible.  The segues into the next segments are always so enthralling and dramatic… I know I don’t care about what’s shocking revelation will unfold on The Bachelor, Kate Gosselin’s new haircut, who’s pregnant, who broke up, or how much weight somebody lost/gained, but I… just… can’t… look away…

                                      ***************************

When did the word estimate officially get merged into the word guess-timate? Did we give up on arriving at educated assumptions based on minimal available data?  Did I miss the memo that says we’re all just taking wild stabs in the dark now?  When was the last time you heard anyone say estimate? Somewhere, a generations worth of math teachers collectively said, “That’s it, we give up! It’s bad enough they don’t understand the numbers… now the letters too!?!?” Heh heh, I hate you too, Mr. Treadgold.

                                     ***************************

If you’re a homosexual and you’re not well-dressed, overly polite, and really good friends with women, it must be tough to find a niche in society, wouldn’t you say?  All I’m saying is, you just don’t see or hear of many slobby-looking, potty-mouthed, jackassy, gay men, do you?    

                                     ***************************

It’s insane for liquor stores to advertise as having “The Coldest Beer In Town”, isn’t it?  Everyone’s got the same fridges, and they’re all set not to freeze the liquids they’re trying to sell.  Unless you have a cryogenic freezer built into the dashboard of your car, whatever beer you buy will, inevitably, get warm in the car on the way home.  And when you get home, you put it in your fridge anyway, where it re-adapts to that fridge’s refrigeration settings.  Stop lying to us.

                                    ***************************  

Something tells me no one has Tea and Froot Loops for breakfast in England.

“Continental Breakfasts” are one of the biggest charades going.  Err, excuse me Best Western, let me get this straight – you’re telling me the whole world eats serve-yourself cold cereal for breakfast?  Can you just put up a sign that says “Free ‘we’re-too-cheap-and-lazy-to-serve-you-an-actual’ Breakfast” instead?  You’re lucky I still like Rice Krispies…

                                    ***************************

Is anyone else no longer afraid of the Disney Vault threat?  You know, the commercial that advertises a classic Disney movie being re-released on DVD for a limited time, until it’s threatened to be locked back in the Disney Vault FOREVER… that is, until it’s re-re-leased on HD-DVD, or Blu-ray, Laser-Disc, or whatever other money making scheme the fine folks at Disney are up to, instead of making an entirely new movie?  Somewhere, someone way too old to be watching Disney movies has around 7 formats of Aladdin, The Lion King, and the Little Mermaid… all still wrapped in the packaging, for fear of decreasing the value of their “collector’s item”.  They also live alone, and own way too many cats.

Serenity Now!!

%d bloggers like this: