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Riddle me this, David Attenborough…

July 20, 2009 1 comment

I’ve recently gotten myself into watching the “Planet Earth” and “Blue Planet” nature documentaries.  Incredible as they are, I’ve got a few points that I would like Super-Narrator, David Attenborough (who could captivate an audience of Dodo birds, given the chance) to elaborate on or provide answers for.    

A non-human’s life can be summed up in the following five words: 

         Eat, hump, and don’t die.

 If you’re ever not clear on what species you are, ask yourself what you need to do today.  If you can’t come up with any answers besides these three, chances are, you’re not human.  The only exceptions are the male, borderline Neanderthals that have consciously exchanged money for, and wear Ed Hardy and/or Affliction skull/rock t-shirts, in an attempt to complete step two in the set. 

Is it just me, or did Hammerhead sharks really draw the short straw on looks?  I don’t doubt God’s divine creation, but the Hammerhead really appears to have been the last shark created, and there just couldn’t have been enough normal shark parts left in the workshop.  Can you imagine trying to navigate underwater, having your eyeballs situated on either side of a coffee table that has been mounted on your neck?  These guys just gotta get picked on by the other sharks.  I’d imagine the suicide rate is staggering. 

If you weren’t aware, Killer Whales are actually murderers.  They are the only whale that will hunt, kill, and eat other whales, instead of the microscopic krill that all the other whales eat.  On a side note, how insane is it that the largest mammal on earth (whales) decided that to nourish themselves, and complete task three in our list, they will eat the smallest living organism that they can find in the ocean (krill)?  When God was handing out logic, these guys must’ve been in the can. 

Do you think fish ever choke?  All that swimming around with their mouths flopping open and shut, various small living and non-living things passing through their gills; nothing ever goes down the wrong tube?

Did centipedes and millipedes exist before the metric system?  If so, what were they called?  Are they relatives of the inchworm?  Do inchworms freeze at a seemingly arbitrary temperature like 32 degrees?  Do centipedes and millipedes just make more sense from a mathematical standpoint? 

More to come…

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