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Serenity Now Mailbag: On Charlie Sheen and Why Postal Workers Go Crazy.

March 5, 2011 6 comments

Welcome to the latest edition of the SDC Blogs’ mailbag.  Here’s what’s been on people’s minds as of late:

Letter #1:

Dear Dave,

I would suggest charlie sheen needs to be mentioned in the next SDC blogs.

By the time the licorice monacle appeared in the interview, the verdict was already in.

I successfully ignored Charlie Sheen for the better part of my 28 years, mostly because I never found him that interesting or entertaining.  However, with everyone’s latest obsession over him, I actually quite accidentally took in Sheen’s recent 20/20 interview.  It was quite a spectacle.  What I found most interesting was that inbetween the over-bearing insanity, he would stitch in a few really intelligent quotes here and there that were enough to make you think this guy wasn’t completely gone out of his mind.  That in mind, I decided to jot down his quotes from the interview, place them in either a “Crazy”, “Neutral”, or “Intelligent” category, and let the numbers decide his judgment.  Walk with me, as we mull over the results:

Crazy

I am on a drug, it’s called “Charlie Sheen”. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?

I woke up and decided that I’ve been kicked around and I’ve been criticized, I’ve been the “aw shucks” guy with this bitchin’ rock star life, and I’m finally just gonna completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.

You’re dealing with a high priest Vatican assassin warlock.

These words come from my grand wizard master.

Stay away from the crack, unless you can manage it socially.

Hey kids, your dad’s a rock star. Look at his experiences. Look at what he survived. There are your lessons.

When you have a highly evolved brain, and you’re trying to roll out your humor… that’s on me.

Last time I took drugs, I probably took more than anyone could survive. I was banging 7 gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll, I have one speed — I have one gear, ‘Go’.

[I survive] because I’m me.  I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart — I got tiger blood.

You borrow my brain for 5 seconds and just be like, “dude! can’t handle it! Unplug this bastard!” because it fires in a way that isn’t from this particular, terrestrial realm.

If there are drugs in this house, you better find them, and give them to me, immediately.

[in reference to his past drug use and resulting actions] I’m proud of what I created, it was radical.

Yes, I drink water through my eyes.

I’m a peaceful man, with bad intentions.

What makes you a good dad?  Everything.  Next question.

What’s not to love? Especially if you saw how I party, it was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, all look like droopy eyed, armless children.

Reporter: “Do you two sit down with your daughters and talk about what’s happening?” Sheen:  “ No, that’s kinda lame. They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is, and that signs the cheques on the front, not the back, and that we need him, and his wisdom and his bitchin-ness.” 

Total Score: 18

Neutral

Dying’s for fools.

We win, so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.

I’m not interested in what other people believe, I’m interested in what I believe.

As long as you’re not lying to anybody, and there’s no children involved, then it’s ok. People are going to judge it because they’re so jealous.

I expose people to magic.  I expose people to something they’re never otherwise going to see in their boring normal lives.

I’m Bi-winning.

We just win.

They’re the best at what they do, and I’m the best at what I do, and together it’s on.

Total Score: 8

Intelligent

It’s fun, and it’s entertaining, and it sounds different than all the other garbage people are spewing.

Because I’m honest. And I think the honesty shines through in my work and also my personal life. Part of that code is apologizing when you’re wrong.

When you’re people pleasing, your soul is dead.

I don’t care if it’s my dad, or the guy down the street, or someone that fell out of the sky, back off with your judgment.

And then what’s the cure? Medicine? To make me like them? Not going to happen.

Total Score: 5

 

 

I’m sorry Charlie, but the numbers don’t lie.  You’re bonkers, man.

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Letter #2:

Dear Dave,

Why are all post office workers always so sad?

I’m going to let everyone’s favorite United States Postal Worker, Seinfeld’s Newman, field this one, as he can answer it better than anyone:

I think that about wraps it up.

 

Why Roberto Luongo is Like A Fax Machine, The Crustacean Job Crunch, and the European Style Excuse; amongst others.

June 2, 2010 4 comments

I’d like to take a moment to thank you folks, my loyal and/or re-routed from links on other websites’ audience.  Last month was again, an all-time high for reads, and marked the 10,000th read of this non-sense.  That’s a pretty low readership compared to other bloggers, but I think it’s pretty good for a guy who rattles off his random thoughts at 2 am 5 times a month.  It’s fun to see that people read this stuff, and voluntarily choose to come back again.  I’ve even had a few of you mention to me in person that you read and enjoy the blog, and that’s been pretty cool too.  So, thanks everyone!  I’ll do my best to continue to entertain you, (hopefully less often) stir up controversy, and generally thieve relatively unimportant moments of your life away from you that you’ll never get back 🙂

Alright, on with the show…

Mike Gillis tried to fax Luongo his termination, but got a busy signal. Oh well, only 11 more years...

 

Why on earth does faxing still exist?  It’s like laserdisc-like invention that we seemingly got too excited about too early, and then made waaaay too big of a commitment to.  It was a pretty revolutionary idea for its time, no question.  But by the time email rolled around and made it obsolete, every business in North America was still too proud that they had their shiny new fax numbers listed in the phone book, and weren’t willing to give them up.  And like the gasoline engine, or Robert Luongo’s 12-year strangling overpayment deal, we’re in too deep and/or just too proud to get out now.   

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After all man’s technological advancements and inventions, the power still goes out when it gets stormy. Can we solve that already?  We can broadcast a zillion useless channels to every TV on the planet, move ourselves with every form of transportation imaginable on and off the planet, and even create objects capable of leaving the solar system; but we can’t quite figure out how to keep the lights on when grey clouds roll in and it starts to rain.

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so, the iPad is basically just a big iPhone that doesn’t make calls? What do I need one of those for?  Of all the things I need to carry around that doesn’t fit in my pocket, is an oversized electronic rectangle one of them? 

Any iPad owners out there?  Are you happy with your purchase?  In 200 words or less, tell me why or why not, in the form of a comment. 

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We recently discovered water on the Moon & Mars, which we previously believed to be barren,  and found shrimp-like creatures living in frigid Antarctic  waters… Does anyone else get the feeling we don’t know as much about the universe as we thought we did?

How long until we start sending Honda Asimo’s to other planets to settle new civilizations?  And of course, how long until they become self-aware, and enslave the human race?

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Are we done using the “it’s European” excuse to wear ridiculous things skinny jeans, faux-hawks, and man-purses  in North America yet?  Can we just let the Europeans be the Europeans already??  Have we still not learned anything from Seinfeld???

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It’s unfortunate that misogyny is a negative word. Everyone likes massages, don’t they?

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Girls that have been told they look like their dad, or their brother, or some other male, probably shouldn’t get boy haircuts, right?

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Do you think the job market is as tough for crustaceans and other sea life as it is for humans?  Example: the Alaskan Pollock fish that are masquerading around as crab and being sold as imitation crab meat, just because they’re lower in cholesterol and cheaper; do you think they’re putting hard working real crabs out of work?  Yeah me neither.  The crabs are probably pretty pumped about not being swiped out of their existence and being boiled to death, I’d say.

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