Tiger & Kovy Conspiracy Theories; Twilight, and Other Things That Should Extinct Themselves.

I recently formed a thought about Tiger Woods that even I believed to be rather absurd at first; but upon further review, began to doubt the craziness and saw some logic.  As we all know, Tiger was, undisputedly, the best golfer on the planet.  He got caught cheating on his wife, took a “break” from golf, only to come back, and absolutely suck.  His divorce is finalized, and all of a sudden, he starts playing well again.  Coincidence?  Is it possible that upon becoming fully aware that he was going to lose every dollar he was worth in a divorce settlement, that Tiger may have “took a dive” and purposely tanked his golf game along with his net worth in hopes of having less cash available for Elin to (deservingly) fleece out of every pocket he owns? 

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Now that the NHL has rejected the terms of Ilya Kovalchuk’s absurd contract with the New Jersey Devils a second time, and it has been found to be invalid by a third party as well, does anyone else wish that Ilya would just sign a reasonable contract, or just ship himself off to the KHL already?  If he wants to go play at home (not that I’ve heard he actually does) can we just let him go and get paid for 150 years in sacks of money with dollar signs on them by the mob bosses that run that league, complete with death threats upon lack of success?  Why do we all have to sit through an entire summer’s length of discussion on where this over hyped/paid/acting and underachieving player is going to end up?  If he had a few Cups under his belt, I could see this conversation being more relevant, but what’s Kovy done for anyone latel…errmm…. ever??

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ARE ALL THE TEENY BOPPERS OVER THE STUPID TWILIGHT VAMPIRE CRAP YET???  If not, please pick up the pace.  When I saw the ads for the new movie, “Vampires Suck”, I immediately thought to myself, “Finally!   A movie that portrays every exact feeling I have about this Twilight travesty phenomenon.”  Unfortunately for the filmmakers, I’m not going to see it either.  But, nice goin’ fellas, thanks for doing that for me. 

I gave the original Twilight movie an honest shake at impressing me; my wife and I watched it at the height of its popularity without any foreknowledge of the plot besides that there were vampires in it.  Vampires were cool, so it wasn’t a big stretch, until… the freaking movie started.  From start to finish, it was just such a pile of garbage.  2 full hours of human existence that will never be returned to me with the refund discount coupons I deserve.  Poor writing, acting, lighting…. and just soooo incredibly cheesy.  I didn’t think it would be possible to think of vampires in less of a bad-ass light (keeping company with the Wolfman and Frankenstein bumps you up there), but they found a way to take ‘em down plenty of pegs.  The writers of the books/movies should do themselves a favor and buy all the garlic, stakes, and sunlight detergent out of the stores within a 1000 mile radius of their residences before an angry pitchfork wielding mob taps on their front door [too much? Maybe you’re right.  Ok, they don’t have to perish, just stop writing more books/movies, and apologize to us all for ruining vampires.  Now.].

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The movie, "Groundhog Day" was based on my life. I'm not even allowed to die!

Does it amaze anyone else out there that the Quail continues to survive extinction?  Have you ever seen a more suicidal bird?  One that purposely runs, not flies mind you, yes RUNS in front of your car at the last second, often with an entire family in tow?  Do maybe even the Quails realize how stupid they look with those dangling fish-bobbers bouncing around their heads, and try to put an end to their own species?  Are they perhaps the most ferocious gamblers of the animal kingdom; proposing and attempting death-defying stunts while others wait in the bushes while a bookie quail takes their bets?  Either way, I applaud them for making it this far, but methinks that Quails will be last-second street-crossing themselves the way of the Dodo before much longer.   

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Do you think the makers of Ed Hardy, Affliction, Tap-Out, and Christian Audiger even care that their brands are openly mocked by the public, and are only purchased and worn by the biggest (for lack of a more fitting term) douche-bags in any given city?  Or do you think they just sleep comfortably in their exorbitantly expensive homes paid for by every skull-clad shirt they’ve sold?  Yeah, I think the latter as well.

Wobbly Weights, the Intelligence of the Ice-Cream Man, and Theatre Dudes Look Like a Lady.

Hello?  Anyone still here? 

2-time, 2 time!

Between the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp (by the by, I’m now a 2-time, and back to back VT Cup champ) and Okanagan Hockey School, the month of August becomes my one month a year in Kelowna of steady, dependable income.  It also requires me to work “all day” like apparently “everyone else” does.  Interestingly as it turns out, this approach sees me acquire more money, which I enjoy.  Consequently though, it means I go to bed at a “reasonable time”, and my normal midnight to 2am blogging block becomes voided, and thusly it is you, the reader who suffers.  I encourage you to write a letter to whoever it is that could get me out of this unwelcomed routine, and just pay me to sleep in and stay up late, in the interest of entertaining you better/at all.  So, um, yeah, call all your rich friends and tell them about this AWESOME blogger that you know that they should hand over all their money to in sacks with dollar signs on them; and might I add, chop-chop (hurry, that is).

 No one really likes (or so they always say) to toot their own horn, but if you will allow it (not that you have a choice, I’m the one writing after all), toot-toot!  At the inception of this blog last July, I had a whopping 228 reads that first month.  Now a year later, my last July’s read total came to 2,566.  Now, compared to other bloggers, this is probably still nowhere near their ballparks, but for me I’m going to count it a success.  And of course, I only have you to thank.  So, thanks for reading!!  I hope the trend continues, and that you’ll stick around for the long haul. 

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Alright, on with some non-sense….

Funny how everyone’s weigh scales, whether they are at home in the bathroom or at the gym, are apparently always wrong.  I mean, have you ever stepped on a scale that wasn’t yours that you hadn’t heard was out 5-10 pounds, or something like that?  “Oh, yeah no, if you use it on the carpet, it’ll be waaay off…”  I hate to sound harsh, but can we all just sober up and deal with the truth for a second…. YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT.  There, I said it.  Admitting the problem is the first step, right?  Now, we can all move on together, and figure out how to get the scale to read the number we want it to…

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Put a tie on already!

When I started dating my now-wife, she filled me in on some men’s fashion tips that I believe I benefited from: Match the belt with the shoes, don’t button up the bottom button on your suit jacket, etc.  But there’s one incredible faux-pas that even a fashion idiot like myself doesn’t need to be told not to perform.  Have you seen guys wearing suits that do up the top button on their shirt without wearing a tie?  If you’re a kid trying to fit-in at school and you roll up dressed like this, you might as well punch-a-size your own face, just voluntarily enter the locker, and lock it behind you; you’ve purchased a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Geektown. 

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That's not your mother, it's a MAN baby!

Why do dudes in theatre productions always have to wear caked-on eye-shadow and lipstick? Why can’t they just look like dudes on stage??  Why is it supposedly more believable or realistic that the men would be wearing girl faces while pretending to dance through a fictional life scenario on stage?  Don’t we want to differentiate the men FROM the women?  Are they going for some sort of non-partisan, inter-gender approach?

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The sooner we get the Bob Saget voice-over to the concluding statement, “…and that’s how I met your mother.” On the “hit” (so they say) show “How I Met Your Mother”, the better.  That show’s soooooooo over-rated.  Doogie Howser and the American Pie band-camp girl are just really not my cup of tea. 

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See you tomorrow, Junior!

The ice cream man drove down our block the other day playing a Christmas medley of songs instead of the traditional one it’s played for the past 50 years (“The Entertainer”, I believe?).  Apparently a focus group think-tank determined nothing moves popsicles into kids’ faces during the hot summer months like a Silent Night/Jingle Bells ice-cream truck remix.  Maybe there’s something to it – we’ll see if at Christmas I start craving popsicles for the following six months, and upon my first hearing of the chimes, whether I take out a small loan and buy the entire contents of the truck.  My brother used to buy so many popsicles when he was a kid that when the ice-cream man would come down our street, he would literally park outside our house playing the song until he came out.  I’ve heard other stories of people being followed down the street by ice-cream trucks.  The popsicle peddlers are a sneaky bunch; now that I think about it, maybe that idea isn’t so crazy/beyond them after all….