Why Roberto Luongo is Like A Fax Machine, The Crustacean Job Crunch, and the European Style Excuse; amongst others.

I’d like to take a moment to thank you folks, my loyal and/or re-routed from links on other websites’ audience.  Last month was again, an all-time high for reads, and marked the 10,000th read of this non-sense.  That’s a pretty low readership compared to other bloggers, but I think it’s pretty good for a guy who rattles off his random thoughts at 2 am 5 times a month.  It’s fun to see that people read this stuff, and voluntarily choose to come back again.  I’ve even had a few of you mention to me in person that you read and enjoy the blog, and that’s been pretty cool too.  So, thanks everyone!  I’ll do my best to continue to entertain you, (hopefully less often) stir up controversy, and generally thieve relatively unimportant moments of your life away from you that you’ll never get back 🙂

Alright, on with the show…

Mike Gillis tried to fax Luongo his termination, but got a busy signal. Oh well, only 11 more years...

 

Why on earth does faxing still exist?  It’s like laserdisc-like invention that we seemingly got too excited about too early, and then made waaaay too big of a commitment to.  It was a pretty revolutionary idea for its time, no question.  But by the time email rolled around and made it obsolete, every business in North America was still too proud that they had their shiny new fax numbers listed in the phone book, and weren’t willing to give them up.  And like the gasoline engine, or Robert Luongo’s 12-year strangling overpayment deal, we’re in too deep and/or just too proud to get out now.   

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After all man’s technological advancements and inventions, the power still goes out when it gets stormy. Can we solve that already?  We can broadcast a zillion useless channels to every TV on the planet, move ourselves with every form of transportation imaginable on and off the planet, and even create objects capable of leaving the solar system; but we can’t quite figure out how to keep the lights on when grey clouds roll in and it starts to rain.

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so, the iPad is basically just a big iPhone that doesn’t make calls? What do I need one of those for?  Of all the things I need to carry around that doesn’t fit in my pocket, is an oversized electronic rectangle one of them? 

Any iPad owners out there?  Are you happy with your purchase?  In 200 words or less, tell me why or why not, in the form of a comment. 

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We recently discovered water on the Moon & Mars, which we previously believed to be barren,  and found shrimp-like creatures living in frigid Antarctic  waters… Does anyone else get the feeling we don’t know as much about the universe as we thought we did?

How long until we start sending Honda Asimo’s to other planets to settle new civilizations?  And of course, how long until they become self-aware, and enslave the human race?

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Are we done using the “it’s European” excuse to wear ridiculous things skinny jeans, faux-hawks, and man-purses  in North America yet?  Can we just let the Europeans be the Europeans already??  Have we still not learned anything from Seinfeld???

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It’s unfortunate that misogyny is a negative word. Everyone likes massages, don’t they?

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Girls that have been told they look like their dad, or their brother, or some other male, probably shouldn’t get boy haircuts, right?

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Do you think the job market is as tough for crustaceans and other sea life as it is for humans?  Example: the Alaskan Pollock fish that are masquerading around as crab and being sold as imitation crab meat, just because they’re lower in cholesterol and cheaper; do you think they’re putting hard working real crabs out of work?  Yeah me neither.  The crabs are probably pretty pumped about not being swiped out of their existence and being boiled to death, I’d say.

Riddle me this, David Attenborough…

I’ve recently gotten myself into watching the “Planet Earth” and “Blue Planet” nature documentaries.  Incredible as they are, I’ve got a few points that I would like Super-Narrator, David Attenborough (who could captivate an audience of Dodo birds, given the chance) to elaborate on or provide answers for.    

A non-human’s life can be summed up in the following five words: 

         Eat, hump, and don’t die.

 If you’re ever not clear on what species you are, ask yourself what you need to do today.  If you can’t come up with any answers besides these three, chances are, you’re not human.  The only exceptions are the male, borderline Neanderthals that have consciously exchanged money for, and wear Ed Hardy and/or Affliction skull/rock t-shirts, in an attempt to complete step two in the set. 

Is it just me, or did Hammerhead sharks really draw the short straw on looks?  I don’t doubt God’s divine creation, but the Hammerhead really appears to have been the last shark created, and there just couldn’t have been enough normal shark parts left in the workshop.  Can you imagine trying to navigate underwater, having your eyeballs situated on either side of a coffee table that has been mounted on your neck?  These guys just gotta get picked on by the other sharks.  I’d imagine the suicide rate is staggering. 

If you weren’t aware, Killer Whales are actually murderers.  They are the only whale that will hunt, kill, and eat other whales, instead of the microscopic krill that all the other whales eat.  On a side note, how insane is it that the largest mammal on earth (whales) decided that to nourish themselves, and complete task three in our list, they will eat the smallest living organism that they can find in the ocean (krill)?  When God was handing out logic, these guys must’ve been in the can. 

Do you think fish ever choke?  All that swimming around with their mouths flopping open and shut, various small living and non-living things passing through their gills; nothing ever goes down the wrong tube?

Did centipedes and millipedes exist before the metric system?  If so, what were they called?  Are they relatives of the inchworm?  Do inchworms freeze at a seemingly arbitrary temperature like 32 degrees?  Do centipedes and millipedes just make more sense from a mathematical standpoint? 

More to come…

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